The narcissist never likes to be told what to do or how to act.  This can be through an outright refusal from you, or even a recommendation from you for something positive you think they would like.  Either way, the narcissist sees this as you telling them what they should do and how they should act and this is not acceptable to the narcissist. One place the narcissist will always provide push-back is when given boundaries. Why don’t narcissists like boundaries?

When someone sets a boundary, they are communicating what they find acceptable, and what they do not. Boundaries are limits people place so they can feel a sense of control over their own lives.  Right there, you can likely see why narcissists don’t like boundaries.  When someone sets boundaries, they are putting themselves in control and the narcissist must always be the one in control. A narcissist sees a boundary as you telling the narcissist how they can act.  They no longer feel in control and will make greater efforts to manipulate.

When you set boundaries, the narcissist sees the boundary as a roadblock in their agenda.  They have carefully crafted their environment to meet their own needs and they don’t want influence from anyone else. The narcissist has a carefully crafted narrative they must continue to follow.  The boundary becomes an obstacle they must do something with, and they don’t want to have any outside influences on their agenda. 

The narcissist also doesn’t like boundaries because they feel entitled to you and your thoughts and actions.  They believe you are there to please them and when you set a boundary, you have made a decision about something that affects them.  As an extension of the narcissist, they believe you are incapable of making independent decisions. The narcissist will also see a boundary as you questioning how they think things should be done. 

When the boundary has been set and held by you, the narcissist will react with one of their narcissistic punishment tactics. They may gaslight, blame shift, provide the silent treatment, and/or invalidate.  Whichever option they choose, their goal is to exert their power and control and ensure you know how wrong you are for setting the boundary.  

The gaslighting will be intended to have you question whether the boundary was even needed to begin with.  They will have you question your reason for setting the boundary and willingness to continue to hold to the boundary.  You consider whether you were too sensitive in how you interpreted their actions which made you want to set the boundary. Is the problem actually with you and is a boundary needed after all?

The narcissist will blame shift by making you the problem.  The boundary you have set with them is somehow turned back on you.  The narcissist will find a way to explain how if you didn’t do x, y, or z then there wouldn’t have needed to be a boundary to begin with.  It is as if the narcissist is telling you that you don’t know how to control yourself so you had to set a boundary for your own good and it had nothing to do with them.

If the boundary continues to be held by you, the narcissist may move into the silent treatment. They hope by no longer interacting with you they will be able to punish you into changing.  A lot of the time, the silent treatment is when people bend their own boundaries with the narcissist because they want to relieve the tension created by the silent treatment from the narcissist. 

If you have set a boundary and the narcissist isn’t happy, it is not worth your time and energy to try to explain to the narcissist why you set the boundary.  They do not care. They lack empathy and the ability to take the perspective of someone else, so they are incapable of understanding the reason for your boundary setting.  All they can think about is how it affects them and how you wronged them.  The narcissist doesn’t have to like or agree with your boundary.  If you feel like the boundary is needed for you to regain control in your life, then it is appropriate and valid.