I never said that. If you’ve ever confronted a narcissist and heard those four words, you know how disorienting it feels. Let’s talk about why they use it – and how it keeps you trapped. 

The narcissist is a master manipulator.  They can use their words with ease to lie, project, and confuse.  When they tell you they never said that, this is a classic gaslighting phrase.  It makes you question your memory, your reality, and even your sanity.  And they can deliver it with confidence because they are so good at lying and manipulating.  Their confidence, and removal of your ability to state otherwise, instantly puts you on the defensive. 

The narcissists must always protect their fragile ego against narcissistic injury which can lead to narcissistic collapse. Their motto is to deny, deny, deny so that they can continue the narrative that they are flawless and everyone else is the problem.

The 4 simple words of “I never said that” are a quick and easy way for them to avoid accountability for what they actually said.  

Those 4 words can also shift the blame back onto you.  When they say they never said something, it implies that you are either lying or imagining things.  They could never be wrong, so the problem is with you and not them.

And those words allow them to control the narrative by rewriting history in real time.  The narcissist must always be in control of what is happening around them and they do this through controlling the narrative of not only their life, but yours as well. 

When the narcissist tells you they never said something, you turn the focus inward and start to doubt yourself.  You think “Maybe I misheard?”.  You feel confused, guilty, or even crazy.  You know what they said, but they so confidently denied what they said so you question yourself.  This is exactly what they are trying to do.  The more you consider yourself the problem, the less you are focused on them.

Over time, it erodes your confidence in your own perception of reality. This confusion makes you easier to control.  If you aren’t sure of your own thoughts, memories, and emotions, then it is easier for the narcissist to come in and insert their own truth which supports the narrative that allows them to live in a world they are always on the defensive in.

Don’t give the narcissist another way to convince you that you are the crazy one and allow them to escape accountability.  Trust your memory and instincts.  Their denial doesn’t erase or change the truth. Avoid taking the bait and defending yourself against their accusations.  Avoid getting sucked into endless arguments about how they are right, and you are wrong.  The narcissist isn’t trying to understand where the issue lies.  They are trying to convince you that you are wrong and there is no other option because they can never take responsibility.  Remember, “I never said that” is not the truth – it’s a tactic.

When you hear “I never said that”, recognize it for what it is: manipulation, not memory loss. You’re not crazy.  You’re being gaslit.