Has a narcissist ever suddenly become extra kind, generous, or apologetic—just when you were about to walk away, or called them out on a wrongdoing? Welcome back to Narcissist Traps, where I expose one toxic tactic at a time. The trap I will go over today is the Niceness Trap. The narcissist isn’t nice because they have developed empathy overnight.  Their niceness is a distraction so the focus can be turned away from them and onto someone else. That kindness? When a narcissist is nice, it’s not real. It’s a setup.

The narcissist is fake.  They want you to believe they are superior, all-knowing, and flawless, but that is all a lie.  At their core, they have low self-esteem and a fragile sense of self.  They wear a mask of superiority to hide deep rooted feelings of shame. The narcissist creates a carefully crafted script of their life which they expect others to follow, and this script is completely about control.  The more they can control themselves, and you, the more in control they can feel in a life they feel out of control in.  Emotional manipulation by narcissist partners often leaves victims second-guessing their reality, especially when kindness is used as a tactic to regain control.

The narcissist has a variety of manipulation tactics they use to help them maintain control. Sometimes they are mean, other times they are silent, and on occasion they will be nice. Each of these are traps the narcissist has set to get you back on track for the script they have written so they can regain control.

Today, I will discuss the niceness trap. Narcissist kindness is manipulation.  The niceness trap most often used by the narcissist is love bombing.  Love bombing occurs when the narcissist showers another person with gifts and affection to gain control.   Just as the name sounds, when the narcissist love bombs, they go over-the-top in their love and affection.   This niceness through love bombing will occur when you start to pull away or if you have called the narcissist out on a wrongdoing. 

The narcissist love bombing is intended to make you feel like the narcissist cares about you, but the true intent is for you to lower your guard.  The narcissist knows that throughout the relationship you have asked for kindness and understanding but they didn’t give that to you until they needed something from you.  When the narcissist love bombs, they are trying to re-establish control and regain the upper hand they think they are losing.  If you threaten to leave them, or do anything that makes them think you are moving on, they turn on the niceness and trap you with kind words and actions.  You have hope things can finally change for the better, and you turn your focus away  from things they have done to harm the relationship such as lying and manipulating you. 

But the niceness from the narcissist is a psychological trap.  You become confused and doubt your own memories and experiences.  You put trust into someone who has repeatedly shown they can’t be trusted.  You think “Maybe they are finally changing” or “I need to be nicer to them now that they are being nice to me.”  As the narcissist has love bombed you, you think about what changes you can make to improve the relationship.  And this is a success in the eyes of the narcissist because any focus that is on someone other than them is a win.  But the niceness trap is a trap because it is a cycle you get stuck in through abuse, kindness, confusion, and control.  The trauma bond forms stronger the more this cycle continues. 

You crave kindness from the narcissist and stay with them hoping they will change, so when they are finally nice, it is easy to let your guard down and not recognize what is happening.  Red flags to watch out for include sudden kindness after a conflict and niceness that shifts the focus off accountability.

The narcissist doesn’t care how you feel and doesn’t want to work on themselves to strengthen the relationship.  They are only focused on themselves and protecting themselves from narcissistic injury.  Remember to not mistake their kindness for change.  Trust patterns and not moments.  Don’t take the bait of the niceness and always be acutely aware of why the narcissist is acting nice. Understanding narcissistic abuse is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional control.

If their kindness feels confusing, it’s probably manipulation.  Kindness doesn’t only come after a fight, accusations, or with strings attached. Narcissist controlling behavior often hides behind charm, guilt trips, or sudden affection—making it harder to spot until you’re already emotionally entangled. To protect yourself from narcissists, it's crucial to recognize the difference between genuine remorse and manipulative kindness designed to pull you back in.

Have you experienced this kind of setup? How do narcissists manipulate you with niceness?  Check out the ‘Narcissist Traps’ series for more insight.