Is nothing you ever do good enough for the narcissist? They complain nonstop about how you do something wrong or how someone else does it better, so you change your behaviors.  You try to do things how the narcissist wants them done so you can avoid any further arguments with the narcissist.  However, even if you do it exactly as the narcissist expects, is it still not good enough? The narcissist will continue to tell you that you are crazy, stupid, or any other insult they want to hurl to put you down.  You feel like nothing you do is right, and the narcissist will never see you as someone who is knowledgeable and caring.  You don’t understand why the narcissist can’t respect you and can’t respect your efforts, and you wonder if respect from the narcissist is even possible.  Today, I will discuss how to get respect from narcissists.

It is natural to want to please the people around you.  And this isn’t just dating relationships, but any relationship.  We want to provide good effort and be kind, but we also want to be recognized for the efforts we put in.  However, if you have a narcissist in your life, no matter what you do, it not only seems to never be good enough, but it is actually not good enough.  The narcissist has an unstable sense of self, and they are ever changing in their thoughts and moods due to this unstable sense of self.  And while this is a flaw within them which has a direct impact on their own behaviors, this unstable sense of self in the narcissist also directly affects others around them.  When the narcissist is feeling unstable, they are at risk of narcissistic injury, and this is when they will become defensive and engage in their narcissistic punishment tactics. 

And when the narcissist is feeling unstable, everyone around them will know.  Of course, the narcissist doesn’t admit to this feeling of instability because that would require insight and responsibility taking.  However, their behaviors show they are on the defensive and trying to protect against feelings of shame and narcissistic injury.

And because the narcissist never feels in control of their own life, they also don’t feel in control of the world they are living in.   The narcissist is volatile. The smallest slight can send them into a rage, and you will be the target of the rage for no reason other than you are convenient.  They know how best to hurt you because they know your insecurities. The faster they can put you down, the better they can feel about themselves, and stop the loss of their narcissist supply from their supply reserves. 

When the narcissist goes on the attack, it is understandable you want to defend yourself against their accusations and behaviors. However, this defensive stance you are taking erodes the respect the narcissist may have had for you to begin with.  Yes, they want to see you break down and be affected by their words, but the narcissist still sees this as you being weak in that moment.  They need constant respect from you due to their low self-esteem and feelings of superiority. However, they often put you in a position in which it is hard to respect them because of their baseless accusations. 

So, when you are put in what feels like a no-win situation with the narcissist, how can you get the narcissist to respect you?

The most important thing you can do to get respect from the narcissist is set, and keep, boundaries.  The second part of keeping the boundary is the most important thing, but also the most difficult to implement and maintain.  When you set boundaries, this conveys to the narcissist that you will not be a part of their manipulation. When you don’t take part in their game of manipulation, then you don’t become a part of their own insecurities. 

When you set boundaries, you identify what is important to you and you convey this to the narcissist.  And every single time the narcissist tries to bend, or break, your boundary, you hold firm and do not give in. Every time you bend your own boundaries and make small changes to appease the narcissist, or even just to get out of this situation quicker, you are again telling the narcissist that you can be controlled and manipulated.  And if you continue to show the narcissist this is how they can treat you, then they will continue to treat you that way.  The narcissist is abusive and will continue to be abusive, but they are like most people and want to choose the path with least resistance. They don’t want to put in more work than needed. So, if you are setting a boundary, and holding firm to it, the narcissist will move on and find another person to target in that moment.  

Respect from the narcissist can’t be earned in the same way it is earned from non-narcissists. The narcissist doesn’t care to understand you better or to learn how to better communicate with you.  They are only focused on themselves and what will make their life easier and more predictable.  When you can set and hold boundaries, you can help the narcissist feel more in control, and this will lead to finally receiving some respect from the narcissist.