In my work as a therapist, I often see couples where one partner is a codependent and the other is a narcissist.  This dynamic rarely works and it is often the co-dependent partner coming to therapy trying to figure out why the relationship isn’t working and wanting to learn how they can be a better partner or why their partner won’t change.  Other times, the codependent has left a toxic relationship with a narcissist and recognizes this is a pattern they have found themselves falling into often when dating.  The codependent-narcissist relationship is rarely healthy, so why does that pairing happen so often?

First, I need to briefly discuss what a narcissist is.  A narcissist is an individual who has an inflated sense of self-worth, demonstrates grandiosity, and exhibits feelings of superiority.  They also demonstrate poor empathy and disregard others’ feelings. They have poor images of self and are prone to narcissistic injury due to an inability to handle criticism. When they experience a narcissistic injury, they often react with narcissistic rage.  

Someone who is codependent struggles in focusing on their own needs while placing priority on the needs of others. They rely on another person for meeting their emotional and self-esteem needs.  Someone who has codependency traits demonstrates low self-esteem, a desire to take care of others, poor boundaries, and a need to please others.  The codependent finds value in helping others, even at the cost of their own mental and emotional health.  The codependent needs to feel wanted and often will feel worthless if they don’t have someone in their life they feel wanted by.

This combination of narcissist and codependent occurs so often because they each have a role they play in the relationship.  For the narcissist, they strive to be the center of attention and viewed as doing no wrong in the relationship.   The narcissist puts their wants and needs above everyone else.  At the same time, the codependent places their wants and needs of others above their own.  The narcissistic partner needs someone else to boost their self-esteem while the codependent partner is more than willing to serve in this role.

The narcissist-codependent relationship is one-sided and often toxic and abusive.  The codependent-narcissist relationship is based on an inequality of power with the codependent always giving and the narcissist always taking. This is the very type of relationship a narcissist loves. The narcissist is placed on a pedestal by the codependent and the top of a pedestal is where a narcissist enjoys being.  From there, their self-esteem is boosted while they must do little work in the relationship. 

The narcissist-codependent relationship is damaging to the mental health of both partners because they are reinforcing the unhealthy habits in the other.  A narcissist partner continues to use and manipulate the co-dependent for their own gain, while the co-dependent partner continues to give more of themselves away to the narcissist.  While the codependent partner thrives on helping others and placing others’ needs above theirs, this can still be disappointing when kindness is not met with appreciation.  The codependent partner then works harder in their attempts to please the narcissistic partner while the narcissistic partner enjoys the undying effort the codependent puts into the relationship.  The control and manipulation of the narcissist is maintained .

The pairing of a narcissist and codependent will likely never become healthy.  Both partners would need to work on their role in the dysfunction in the relationship, and if change is made, they may no longer find value within each other. When someone can become self-aware of the patterns they fall into, you can make changes to yourself and your relationships. While giving to others is a normal part of a relationship, you should never give more of yourself than is healthy. 

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.