As I have done a few times on my channel, today I wanted to discuss a topic in the news which is getting a lot of attention. When there is a topic that has a lot of information out about it and people are aware of the situation, it serves as a great example that can be used when discussing abuse topics because you all have a specific example you can refer to as you look to understand the topic discussed. The topic I will discuss today is the situation with Ruby Franke from 8 Passengers, and Jodi Hildebrandt, the woman she was working with through their program Connexions. I will not go over the situation in much detail so if you aren’t aware of what is happening, I encourage you to do a search for more information on their arrest and history and then coming back to this video.
However, I will say briefly that Ruby Franke was the mother of 6 children and was part of a popular vlogging channel called 8 Passengers on YouTube which had over 2 million followers before it was taken down. The family was on YouTube for years, with the world being able to watch their 6 children grow up. The youngest of the 6 children was a toddler when the channel started, and is now 10 years old. The 8 Passengers channel was rife with controversy with how the mother, Ruby, treated her children and there was growing concern over the years of her being possibly abusive to the children. However, despite concern from a large population, there was an equally large number of people who continued to watch the 8 Passengers channel and support the Franke family.
A few years ago, Ruby stopped creating content for the 8 Passengers YouTube channel and started to work with, and created another YouTube channel with, Jodi Hildebrandt. Jodi is a social worker by training. They started a company called Connexions and according to their website, their tagline was “Create Joy in Your Life and Relationships. Learn to Successfully Navigate Life with Jodi Hildebrandt”. Just as Ruby was problematic in her parenting style, the Connexions coaching program was equally problematic in their parenting and relationship advice. There were calls for concern about topics they discussed and how they suggested you manage situations in your life as a follower of their program. They talked about “distortion” and how you must live your life in truth and not distortion. In my opinion, distortion was defined solely by Ruby and Jodi. Someone was living in distortion when they didn’t live a life the way Ruby and Jodi expected and wanted you to. No, this wasn’t how it was described on their website but I have spent time looking over the program and that is what it boils down to in my opinion.
In summary, Ruby spent years creating a very successful YouTube channel with her, what appears to be blatantly, abusing her kids. Then, she chose to leave that form of income and then move to another form of income in which she manipulated her new followers who were looking for advice on parenting and relationships. Again, my opinion only.
When people would watch the 8 Passengers videos, and then the Connexions videos, there was a rampant uproar in allegations that Ruby was abusing her kids. Police and CPS were notified over the years, but the children were able to remain with Ruby and her husband. It appears that despite people who watched Ruby saying her ways were abusive, the children were never protected from the abuse.
Then, at the end of August 2023 the police were called to Jodi’s house after Ruby’s youngest son was found at a neighbor’s house asking for food. He was determined to be malnourished and with wounds suggesting he had been tied up. He was also described as having duct tape on his extremities. Further investigation revealed Ruby’s youngest daughter was also in the home and was described as malnourished and emaciated. Both children received medical treatment and were placed in a safe location.
When the children were found in a state of neglect and what appeared to be abuse through restraint, the world was enraged. For years, so many had filed complaints and posted their concerns on social media. People had said Ruby was abusive, and the Connexions program was manipulative, but nothing changed. The children stayed with their parents. How could this have happened and why would the children be allowed to remain with a mother who so obviously would behave in a way which most people found unacceptable?
Let’s start with the early accusations of abuse, which would all fall under the criteria of emotional abuse and/or neglect. For the purposes of this video, emotional and psychological abuse will be considered under the single name of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is non-physical behaviors that are meant to control or isolate someone. Emotional abuse is subtle and harder to identify when compared to physical abuse. Physical abuse involves physical violence and because it is more physical in nature, it is easier to spot. If someone tells you their mom has hit them and they have a bruise, you can see the effects of the physical abuse and believe they were likely hit by their mom. However, if a child tells you their mom called them stupid and ugly, you first have to believe the mom said those things, but also have to believe it affected the child negatively and to a level that would be considered abusive and not just poor parenting. With emotional abuse, people can introduce their own biases about words said to someone when compared to actual physical evidence of abuse.
The allegations from the social media world against Ruby were largely based on emotional abuse and neglect. In one video she removed the bed of her oldest son for 7 months after he behaved in a way she didn’t agree with. In another video she didn’t provide lunch for her 6-year-old at school because this child forgot to pack and take a lunch to school on her own. When her children would behave in a way she didn’t agree with, her solution was to provide consequences she deemed appropriate for them to change their behavior. Her consequences were often not age appropriate and would restrict the child's basic needs such as food and comfort.
There was no denying she did these things because she would record videos of the incidents and upload them to her YouTube channel. She saw nothing wrong with her behavior and continued to create content around her parenting style which was rampant with abuse. However, even with these recorded pieces of evidence, the children remained with the Franke family. How could that be? We now know that the 2 youngest of the 6 children were physically abused so why wasn’t something done sooner and why is it only now that the allegations are being taken seriously and Ruby and Jodi arrested?
The answer is simple, yet complex. Even when emotional abuse is staring you in the face, it can be difficult to identify as abuse and not simply poor parenting. On camera, the children continued to smile and function as a seemingly happy and cohesive family. Yes, there are videos of the children appearing unhappy, but overall, they were a cohesive family who did things together. While Ruby may have made inappropriate comments at times, and withheld food and bedding from her children, there were still over 2 million people who watched this family and supported them as a family. If she was on camera beating the children every video, then people would have responded very differently, and she wouldn’t have had over 2 million people following the family.
Emotional abuse is insidious and while you may know something isn’t right, it can still be difficult to pinpoint from a legal standpoint. CPS and the police most likely did speak with the children but how they responded to the questions had a large influence on the outcome. This isn’t victim blaming. This is the reality of being a victim of emotional abuse. You don’t want to think it is happening to you. Victims brush it off as abuse because that denial is needed for them to be able to continue to live in the abusive environment.
They may also have been brainwashed into thinking what they were experiencing was normal or deserved. I think this last point is possible given the information in the probable cause affidavit for the arrest of Ruby and Jodi. When the youngest daughter was seen by the police at the house, it took 4 hours to convince her to get medical help. 4 hours of trying to convince a child that their appearance was severe enough to be seen by a doctor, yet they refused. This was very likely based on fear and even protection of her family. Sometimes to a child, an abusive family appears to be a better option than living with someone they don’t know. Their family, even if abusive, feels more comfortable than a family they don’t know.
The children were only taken seriously as being victims of abuse when there was undeniable physical abuse evident. The youngest son, who was able to get help, was malnourished, suggesting he was very underweight for his age, and had physical wounds suggesting he was restrained. This was validated with reports of the duct tape on his extremities. The physical appearance of the children was undeniable that something was happening in the home that was abusive.
It’s frustrating for all the world to see the children in such poor condition when there have been complaints filed for years. However, that is the hard part of emotional abuse. It isn’t obvious and can be easily explained away. For example, the abuser didn’t mean what they said, the person being abused took it the wrong way, or the people who saw the abuse misunderstood and took it out of context. Again, this isn’t victim blaming, but the reality of emotional abuse.
People who are emotionally abused are usually isolated and convinced they are the problem and the situation they are in is because of their own actions. The abuse is justified to help them get back on track. There is no easy solution for helping people who are victims of emotional abuse. But it is each of your responsibilities to speak up if you have a concern and to make the appropriate notifications. Even if your concerns go unheard, don’t stop being an advocate for someone who has lost their voice as a form of punishment.
And at the end of the day, hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to say “I told you so!” once you have more information. In psychology this is called the hindsight bias. But out of all of the videos I have watched since the arrest of Ruby and Jodi, the sentiment is the same: everyone knew Ruby and Jodi were problematic and abusive, but no one would have predicted Ruby’s children would be tied up in Jodi’s house and deprived of food to the point they appeared emaciated. We all knew something was wrong, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough until it was too much.