When someone is in a narcissistic relationship, they may feel as if they can’t do anything right.  Their partner tells them how they want things to be done, when things should be done, and who they should hang out with.  The non-narcissistic partners obliges, for many different reasons, but it is never good enough.  The narcissistic partner is upset with how it was done, why it was done, and how fast it was done.  You, the individual who is capable of considering other people’s thoughts and feelings, don’t know what you did wrong. You are confused and upset that despite your best efforts, you have again done it all wrong. 

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist you might often feel like you are not good enough.  You never say the right thing or behave the right way.  This can be defeating and start to affect your self-esteem. Every day you lose a little more of yourself.  You think you are the problem because it always seems to be your actions that lead to the narcissistic partner getting upset.  It must be you, right?

While it is easy to question your own actions and what you could have done wrong, or done differently, when you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is it often not about you.  You did nothing wrong, other than trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. The tactic of a narcissistic is to control as a way to manipulate.  When they are no longer in control, they can no longer manipulate you and this leads to a narcissistic injury.  People with narcissism have an unstable sense of self and take extreme measures to not allow themselves to feel out of control. They will take any actions necessary to maintain control, even if it means bringing others down. 

Narcissists are experts at the game of control and manipulation.  They have spent years, even decades, perfecting their craft.  While a narcissist may seem uninterested in you or your life, they are fact highly invested in learning more about you.  However, this isn’t so they can connect with you or share in your enjoyment, but to use as ammunition against you.  Narcissists are keenly aware of your fears and insecurities and take note of this information to later use against you. 

Manipulation by the narcissist can take many forms.  One way they manipulate is through gaslighting. Gaslighting is when the toxic partner tries to undermine your reality by denying facts and your feelings.  It is a form of invalidation with the specific intent of having you doubt what is true and what is not true. When you question reality, you must rely on the toxic partner to provide information on the world around you.  You start to see things through their interpretations and not based on your own experiences. This behavior is insidious, which makes it easy for you to doubt your own reality.  When you doubt your own reality, you begin to think you are the problem and why you can’t do anything right in a narcissistic relationship. The narcissist has achieved their goal of controlling you and your thoughts.

When the narcissist starts to lose control and their manipulation isn’t working, they might move into a rage episode.   When someone becomes abusive and yelling at you, the intent is to gain control. If they can yell loud enough and be aggressive enough, you are likely to back down.  Even if you don’t back down, the rage creates a sense of confusion and the focus becomes now on the rage and not the initial issue.  If you have ever been in an intense argument with someone, you likely have looked back and wondered what the argument was even about or how you got to the topics you were yelling about. When a narcissist rages, they can regain control of you.  During this rage, you are seen as the problem and why everything is wrong in the relationship.  Again, you are left thinking you are the one to blame and can’t do anything right. 

Narcissists are unable to take responsibility for their own actions so you will always be the source of the problem.  Once you can accept that fact, you can stop believing it is you.  No matter what words are directed at you or insults are thrown, it is never about you.  It is about the narcissist feeling out of control and their unstable sense of self has no other way to react than to attack.  

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.