Have you ever noticed the calmer you stay, the angrier the narcissist becomes? You’re calm. regulated, and quiet but they escalate, accuse, and rage.  Their response is in direct contrast to what you would see from others.  Today, I’m explaining why calmness isn’t neutral to a narcissist, it’s a direct threat. 

Calmness isn’t peace to a narcissist. Your calmness is a loss of their control.  They need you to be emotional because emotional people don’t think logically.  When we experience strong emotions, we turn inward and focus on our own emotions, which means we may not consider what else is happening around us. The more you can focus on yourself, the less you focus on the narcissist and exposing them for the fraud they are. And when we are calm, we aren’t trying to defend ourselves against the never-ending accusations they make.  Your calm isn’t compliance, and they know it.

So, why does calmness trigger narcissistic rage? Let’s go over 3 Core Reasons.

The first core reason is calmness removes emotional fuel. The narcissist relies on emotional reactions, defensiveness, and your explaining, justifying, and pleading how you aren’t the problem and did nothing wrong.  When you are calm, this is the opposite response from what the narcissist needs and wants from you.  When you are calm, you are providing no reaction, aren’t escalating in emotions, and aren’t helping them refill their ever waning narcissistic supply.  When you don’t react, the narcissist feels invisible, and this invisibility directly targets their feelings of grandiosity and superiority. 

The second core reason calmness triggers narcissistic rage is your calmness exposes the power shift.  Your calmness shows you are no longer emotionally controlled and that you are internally grounded.  This creates narcissistic injury in the narcissist due to a fear of losing dominance.  They must always be in control to lessen the possibility of experiencing shame and when you are calm, you are in control and they no longer feel dominant. The narcissist rage during this calmness is not about conversation.  It’s about who has psychological authority.  They’re not responding to your words, they’re reacting to your autonomy. 

The third core reason calmness triggers narcissistic rage is your calmness triggers shame. The narcissist doesn’t know how to tolerate self-reflection and accountability.  And they don’t have the ability to regulate their emotions due to their unstable sense of self.  When you are calm, it highlights to the narcissist everything they are deficit in. Your calm highlights their instability and their lack of control.  They are envious of others and what they have but they would never admit this.  Their rage is a defense mechanism against shame.  Your calm becomes a mirror, and they smash mirrors.

Now that we know 3 core reasons why your calmness triggers narcissistic rage, what is their rage really saying?

When the narcissist rages in response to your calmness, they are saying “you’re slipping away”, “I can’t control you”, or “You’re no longer playing your role.” They recognize that you are no longer playing the role they have carefully crafted for you and they are worried about being exposed. Their reaction of rage is confirmation that you are doing the right thing and not a failure you have to fix. If calmness triggers rage, it means you’re already winning internally. 

Your calmness isn’t cruelty that you need to correct in response to their rage.  Your calmness is self-regulation.  Your calm isn’t provoking them, it’s freeing you. 

In the next blog, I will explain why narcissists escalate right when they feel you detach emotionally.