Today I want to discuss a term I have been hearing more about and how it relates to narcissists.  That term is breadcrumbing.  I will discuss what breadcrumbing is and why someone would breadcrumb you, with a specific focus on the narcissist. 

First, let’s talk about what breadcrumbing is. Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough information to keep you interested and wanting more information. They leave you little tidbits of information that keep you hopeful for more.  For a visual, think about ants who follow a trail of crumbs, hoping to get to the larger food item at the end of the trail.  They are following the breadcrumbs hoping for more at the end of the trail. When a person breadcrumbs, they are stringing you along to keep you interested so that you come back for more.   This could be through more information or even more attention.  The goal of the breadcrumber is to keep you hooked and not turning away to someone or something else.  The breadcrumbing happens inconsistently, and this is why you keep coming back for more.  The person leaving the breadcrumbs gives you just enough hope that they are interested in you, but then backs away, only to come back again in the future.  Despite the numerous breadcrumbs the person leaves, they have no intention of following through.

A breadcrumb might be a text when they haven’t texted you in a while or asking to get together with you.  The person leaving the breadcrumbs knows this is something you want, so they string you along, but only for the benefit of keeping you around and not because they want to do anything with you. With breadcrumbing there is rarely follow through but the person being strung along still believes that there is potential for more.  And this assumption makes sense because why would someone continue to contact you if they had NO intention of ever spending time with you?

Breadcrumbing at first might be hard to recognize because everyone is trying to figure out someone they just met, and many people are busy and don’t have time to fit in someone new at first.   So, what might look like a lack of schedules matching initially, starts to feel like being strung along with breadcrumbs.  How do you know if you are being breadcrumbed?

The most obvious indication of breadcrumbing is plans never being committed to or followed through on. This looks like you trying to make plans with someone and they never identify a date you two can actually get together.  Or, they do come up with a date but consistently cancel so there is no follow-through.  They are polite in their decline and offer a plan to get together in the future, but this pattern plays out over and over again and you never actually get together. 

Another indication of breadcrumbing is significant changes in interest.  The breadcrumber may be all about you one minute and then ignoring you the next.  When someone moves back and forth between extremes, they are likely stringing you along and only contacting you for their benefit and when it is most convenient for them. 

So, now that we know what breadcrumbing is, why do people, specifically narcissists, breadcrumb?  Breadcrumbing is a way to keep someone around as long as possible, without any requirement for commitment. Breadcrumbing works off the theory of intermittent reinforcement, which means you don’t know when you will get the reward you are looking for.  The reward has come in the past, and you believe it will come in the future based on past experiences, but you don’t know when that might be. So, you hang on just a bit longer hoping to get the reward you are looking for.  The reward is anything positive that you want, to include a text, phone calls, plans to get together, etc. 

When the breadcrumber is a narcissist, they will leave breadcrumbs because it boosts their narcissistic ego, which inflates their narcissistic supply.  The narcissist always needs people at the ready which will help them feel better about themselves.  When they leave breadcrumbs, you believe there is hope for a future, so you keep returning to them trying to make plans.  This inflates their ego because they don’t have to meet with you, but you continue to stay in contact with them and let them know you want to get together.  When you pursue the narcissist, their ego is inflated.  You are effectively serving as a source of supply for the narcissist, which makes them continue to breadcrumb you. 

The narcissist will continue to use breadcrumbs as a way to keep you in the picture as long as you allow them to.  This is another way in which they control and manipulate you.  They don’t care for, or consider, how their actions affect you.  They only care whether you are making them feel better about themselves.

Stop giving the narcissist this power.  They are stringing you along for their benefit and have no intention of committing to you. The best thing you can do to counter the narcissist’s breadcrumbing is to go no contact.  When you go no contact, you no longer give the narcissist the fuel they need to inflate their narcissistic ego, so they move along.  Once you go no contact and see how quickly the narcissist moves away from you, you will then see how they never cared about you and it was always about how you could benefit them.