What Happens When You Call a Narcissist Out on Their Behavior?
Narcissists like things to happen their way. Stray from their expectations and you will be met with anger and irritability. The narcissist can switch between calm and enjoyable to be around, to angry and brutal in their attacks with no concern for how their words affect someone else. You know the narcissist is being unreasonable in their expectations and responses, but should you confront them? What happens when you call a narcissist out on their behavior?
As I discuss whether you should call out a narcissist for their behavior, remember that the narcissist expects things to be done their way. They are controlling and must control everything and everyone around them. They live in a fantasy world they have created, and they cannot have anyone come in and try to change this false life they live in. This would require them to face the lies they have created, and they are unable to do this due to their unstable senses of self.
The narcissist is unable to look inward and consider the role they play in negative interactions. To do this would require responsibility taking and this is something they cannot do. To take responsibility would imply they were at fault in some way. The narcissist doesn’t believe that they are ever wrong because to have that belief would expose them as the flawed person they are. The narcissist spends their entire life trying to make others, including themselves, believe that they are superior and free from fault.
So, the narcissist must live in a continual fantasy world created and maintained by them. When they feel others are catching on, or they might start to doubt themselves, they re-write the script until they can get enough narcissistic supply refilled, allowing them to return to their demanding, abusive self.
As a non-narcissist, you see what is happening and you want to tell the narcissist. You want to let it be known that you are not the problem. You want them to know they are the problem and what they do that contributes to the issues in the relationship. You want to feel heard, and also in control of a situation you often feel out of control in.
But should you call out a narcissist? What happens when you call a narcissist out on their behavior? When you call out the narcissist, they start to grab from their toolbox of narcissistic punishment tactics. They switch into defensive mode and go on the attack. The punishment tactic they choose is the one that they think will work best for a specific person. The goal is to push the person away so that they don’t have to look inward. They protect against shame and narcissistic injury through use of their punishment tactics.
If you call out the narcissist about anything they feel like could expose them, expect rage. This could be commenting on their behaviors or calling them out on a lie. The narcissist rages to push people away and shut down any and all further communication. They have learned the louder they are, the more likely the person is to retreat.
After calling out a narcissist they will also blame-shift. Whatever you are calling them out on becomes your problem and you are the cause of it. They can quickly shift blame to you, and everything becomes your fault. They may say things such as “I was late to work because you didn’t make me breakfast.”, or “I cheated on you because you are always working and never home.” Nothing is ever their fault, and everything is always your fault.
If they don’t rage or blame shift, they may gaslight. They alter your reality in their favor so that you question what is or isn’t true. As soon as you call out the narcissist, they come up with ways to make you feel crazy. If you call out the narcissist for how they treated you, they will deny, and say they never did that. They will call you crazy, telling you that you are imagining things, or it is all in your head. If you do doubt yourself, they will just introduce more doubt in you.
Regardless of the technique used, all of the responses from the narcissist include them not taking responsibility for their behaviors if you call them out. It becomes about you and what you did wrong. You are the crazy one who they can’t trust that is always making up things. If you continue to confront the narcissist they rage louder and louder. And, if all else fails, they engage in the silent treatment. Cutting off all communication with you through the silent treatment is the ultimate form of control because it keeps you from being able to say anything more about them, but also prevents you from being able to defend yourself.
Calling out the narcissist really has no benefit. They won’t start to acknowledge their wrongs and make efforts to change. By calling them out, you just open yourself up to more abuse from the narcissist. This might be hard to hear because this means you are left with no way to be heard for how you are being treated. But this is the relationship with a narcissist and that won’t change. A non-narcissist will make efforts to be different while a narcissist will put all of their time and energy into ensuring you feel like the problem and preventing you from bringing up issues in the future. Instead of trying to call out a narcissist, try to focus on yourself and what you need in order to leave the relationship with the narcissist, or cut ties in any way you can.