Vulnerability. Does that word bring anxiety or uneasiness to you? Do you want to run when you think of being vulnerable? What about that word can be so frightening and why is it so hard to be vulnerable? Today, I will discuss vulnerability and what it means to be vulnerable.
To be vulnerable means to be exposed to the possibility of judgment and possible attack. When you are vulnerable you let down your walls and expose yourself to people that might want to hurt you. You open yourself up to possible criticism and hurtful opinions. That sounds terrifying. Why would someone choose to expose themselves to judgment and attack? Does vulnerability really serve a purpose?
The answer is yes, vulnerability does serve a purpose. Vulnerability allows for healing and growth. This isn’t to say being vulnerable is pleasant or free of pain. It is a very painful process at times. But all healing and growth comes with pain. Think about that cut you received, or the bone you broke. The healing process was painful and sometimes slow. Some days you felt like you were headed in the right direction and other days you thought it would never get better. This is the same for vulnerability. If you open yourself up to being vulnerable and see growth, there is motivation to continue. However, if you are vulnerable and in turn attacked, you close up and don’t let people in again right away. You have removed the scab over the wound that was healing and now feel like you are back at step one.
If you have been in relationships where you were belittled, attacked, or otherwise invalidated, it is expected you would build walls of protection around you. People who haven’t been hurt don’t build walls. When you build the walls, you attempt to protect yourself from harm.
Being vulnerable can be scary because it is a fear of rejection or being abandoned. If you let someone see who you are, then they might not like what they see. So, you hide it, fortify the walls you have built around you, and keep people out. However, the more you fortify the walls around you, the harder they are to break down, and the more difficult it is to be vulnerable.
Shame has been found to be a contributor to preventing us from being vulnerable. When someone experiences shame, they experience themselves as fundamentally flawed. If they feel bad then they must be bad because that is how they define themselves. Shame becomes a reflection of their character. If you believe you are fundamentally flawed, then you are less likely to be vulnerable because, in your assessment, you are certain people will see you how you see yourself. We protect ourselves with the walls we build so if we think we are flawed, we reinforce the wall of protection around us, which reduces the ability and/or willingness to be vulnerable.
When you can be vulnerable in your relationships, you can let your partner know you fully. This allows for a connection to the other person. As you can expect, when you have your walls up, the other person can’t see the real you. This removes the possibility of connection and keeps the other person at a distance. Vulnerability in relationships also prevents you from being passive. You are willing to show yourself and express your thoughts or feelings.
Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. If you have kept the walls up for so long, and ensure that no one can see the real you, then you might think exposing your faults and insecurities would be a weakness. Stepping out and allowing yourself to push yourself past your limits is a sign of strength. When you are vulnerable, that is exactly what you are doing – pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. As you will find, the more you do this, the easier it will become. Some people may not like the version of you that comes up when you are vulnerable, and that is always a risk you take. However, holding yourself back for fear of what others might think only keeps you stuck where you are right now. Get out there and show a version of you that you have been hiding!