If you have conducted research on narcissists, you likely have found a lot of information on the topic of narcissism, and discussion on various types of narcissists. This information can be overwhelming with all the different types of narcissists there are. Narcissists are already confusing enough, and then you add in the different ways a narcissist can behave and it all becomes a lot of information to take in. Depending on where you get your information, the number of narcissistic types varies. In this blog, however, I want to focus on one specific type of narcissist and that is the compensatory narcissist. Who are compensatory narcissists and what do they look like?
Let’s start with a very brief explanation of what narcissism is. Narcissistic personality traits include a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and feelings of superiority. The narcissist comes off as manipulative, demanding, and selfish. Many people have a little bit of these traits and they are present in various aspects of their life. However, these traits become an issue when the narcissistic traits impact someone’s functioning and relationships and the person meets criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is important to note that just because someone has narcissistic personality traits, it doesn’t mean that they have a personality disorder.
As you can see with the different personality traits of the narcissist, two narcissists can look very different. Depending on the combination of traits they have, and how they enact their traits, two narcissists can act very distinct from one another. This is why there are different types of narcissists. The types are a more defined way of explaining how a narcissist acts so you can understand them better.
Today, I will discuss the Compensatory Narcissist specifically. For the compensatory narcissist, they are passive-aggressive and avoidant.
Let’s take a quick look at an example of passive-aggressive communication. If you are unhappy at your job but don’t want to address your unhappiness with your boss or manager, you might come to work 15 minutes late every day. You show up just late enough to be noticed but not late enough to get in trouble. By showing up late, you hope your boss or manager realizes how unhappy you are with your job. The problem is, you are leaving them guessing because they may notice you are late but have no idea why. During this process, your actual concern for unhappiness isn’t being addressed and you are now just seen as someone who arrives late. You have behaved in a passive-aggressive way by not addressing the issue directly.
The compensatory narcissist has deep rooted feelings of inferiority which maintains their low self-esteem. In order to feel better about themselves, they create this illusion of superiority and being exceptional. With this illusion, they start to believe they are actually superior, and this counteracts their feelings of inferiority. The problem is, they have nothing to show for their alleged superiority other than their own words.
This is related to a passive-aggressive approach in communication because the compensatory narcissist must always deflect and not address issues directly. To address an issue would open them up to exposure for the person they truly are, and they can’t risk that. They work hard to create a false image of themselves and will ensure no one finds out who they truly are.
This is where “compensatory” comes in. The word compensatory means to reduce unwanted or unpleasant effects of something and to make up for a loss. The compensatory narcissist feels inferior, and they compensate for that feeling of inferiority by making themselves appear superior. This is the fantasy world they have created and a defense mechanism they have learned to use to manage the deep-rooted feelings of inferiority. The narcissist has entered a world of constantly needing to prove to everyone around them that they are the all-knowing person they have convinced themselves they are to prevent narcissistic injury.
The compensatory narcissist talks a big game. They discuss who they know, how successful they are, and how they are better than you. However, this is all words they use to try to cover up the true absence of anything significant to show for themselves. Despite presenting as superior, they deeply feel their inferiority and are sensitive to criticism of others. When others judge or criticize, they fear they will be exposed.
They have low self-esteem and unstable senses of self, and they must surround themselves with people who listen to their stories of superiority and buy into the fantasy world they have created. If they think someone isn’t buying into their fantasy world, they will withdraw and find someone who will. If the compensatory narcissist can’t withdraw from a non-believer, this is where they start to display narcissistic rage or the silent treatment to put power back into their hands.
The compensatory narcissist is on a never-ending quest to compensate for their feelings of inferiority and nothing can change this. Nothing will ever be good enough for the compensatory narcissist and they will never be happy. The compensatory narcissist thinks only of themselves and activities are viewed in the context of their insecurities, which will always be their focus.