If you have spent any time recently on social media, you have likely heard the term weaponized incompetence. What does that really mean? Today, I will discuss weaponized incompetence in relationships, and more specifically in relationships with narcissists. As always, when I refer to relationships, this can be romantic, familial, friendships, or occupational relationships. I may speak specifically to romantic relationships for ease of conversation, but the same information I go over can be applied to most any relationship.
Let’s start with what weaponized incompetence is. Weaponized incompetence is when one person approaches a task with little to no effort, which leads them to be unsuccessful in the task, or unable to complete it. They choose this approach so that they won’t be expected to complete the task in the future. The term “weaponized” is used because it is a well calculated approach chosen by someone who doesn’t want to be responsible for things that otherwise should be their responsibility. When they fake incompetence, it is less likely they will be asked for assistance in the future because the person asking for assistance on the task not only has to finish the task that wasn’t done, but also be approached with comments on how the other person can’t do it. What should be considered teamwork has turned into the person who didn’t complete the task, taking no responsibility for the task or their failure to complete the task.
You may have never heard of weaponized incompetence before, but this isn’t to say that it is a new behavior. Now, these behaviors have a label placed on them which makes them easier to identify.
Weaponized incompetence is usually used for the mundane tasks you encounter every day. Such as a partner who says they don’t cook dinner as well as you, or the house doesn’t look as nice after they clean it when compared to after you clean it. While there may be some truth to their statements, the person is not even putting in effort as a way to not have to complete the task. Another example might be you ask them to get the kids ready for bed and they put them to bed in their play clothes while never putting them into their pajamas. They at least completed the task, but did it in a way that almost ensures you won’t ask them to do this task again in the future.
As you can imagine, this is degrading to a relationship because of the lack of teamwork. It puts a lot of pressure and requirements on the partner that must pick up the slack. This form of behavior is passive-aggressive. The person doesn’t directly address that they don’t want to do the task, so they hap-hazardly complete the task in a passive-aggressive way to ensure they aren’t asked again in the future.
Another type of passive-aggressive communication you may have heard about in the context of narcissists is gaslighting and weaponized incompetence can be seen as a form of gaslighting. With gaslighting, you are made to think that your expectations or experiences are ridiculous or crazy, and you question yourself. The goal of gaslighting is to distort your reality so that you aren’t really sure of what is real and what is not. Did you really expect too much of your partner to expect them to cook a full meal for the family? Did you have too high of expectations on how the garbage was taken out so that is why they weren’t able to complete it as you expected? With gaslighting there is blame-shifting and the person who is gaslighting is trying to remove all responsibility from them and place it on you.
One of the favorite plays by the narcissist in their game of control and manipulation is the use of gaslighting. Gaslighting, combined with the weaponized incompetence, ensures that you question your thoughts and feelings, allowing the narcissist to remain in control. This works to also ensure that there is a power differential in the narcissist relationship so that you never have the chance to get the upper hand. The narcissist wants to keep you guessing on what is real, what is your fault, and whether you are being too hard on them. The narcissist needs you to feel uncertain so that they can refill their ever-waning narcissistic supply. The narcissist also puts as little effort into a relationship as possible because they don’t need there to be mutual respect. They want things done their way and that is all that matters. The weaponized incompetence is just one more way to ensure they act in a way that supports them and doesn’t support you.
Because weaponized incompetence is used on the unimportant things, you might not even realize what is happening and just step in to pick up the slack. This is how gaslighting can happen so successfully because it starts with the little things. If you have concern for the possible occurrence of weaponized incompetence, ask yourself whether you feel like you are doing more than your partner and if they are saying they can’t do things that they should be able to do. Step back and assess your relationship, being fair in trusting your own thoughts and feelings about situations you encounter.