Do you know someone who is in a toxic or abusive relationship and wonder why they stay?  The signs are obvious that abuse is happening, but they remain with their partner.  You may have even brought up the signs of abuse you see, and they ignore you or make excuses. As an outsider looking in, it can be frustrating to see something that someone else doesn’t see.  So why would someone who is in an abusive relationship not only stay, but also make excuses for the abuser?

Trauma bonding is one reason that many stay in abusive relationships. Trauma bonding can occur in any type of abusive relationship, including abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist. One method by which narcissists inflict their abuse is through control and manipulation. With this manipulation, it is often hard for the person being abused to notice what is happening and they may not see the abuse in the same way as someone looking in.  

In my last blog I discussed love bombing as a specific tool used by narcissists to gain control and then manipulate.  Love bombing occurs when someone showers another person with gifts and affection as a way to gain control.  Love bombing is a form of conditioning by which the abuser provides positive reinforcement through love bombing when the partner engages in a behavior they want.  When things go well, the narcissist will love bomb. However, when the narcissist’s partner behaves in a way the narcissist doesn’t want or agree with, they will punish through yelling, the silent treatment, or even physical abuse.  In an attempt to return to positive interactions with the narcissist, the partner being abused will change their behavior so as to not anger the narcissist. 

This back and forth between love bombing and punishment is what creates the perfect environment for trauma bonding.  If the relationship was always bad, then it would be easier to leave because you wouldn’t have hope for those good moments that do happen.  When your narcissistic partner is caring and loving, they play that role so well and you believe them.  You are drawn back into their grip and believe that the relationship has improved.  

However, narcissists are unpredictable in this game of control they play. Only they know the rules, and the rules can change by the day, or even hour.  They behave in a way to meet their needs in that moment and aren’t focused on their partner’s needs. 

The dynamic between the narcissist and their partner becomes based on intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment. The intermittent reinforcement comes from the unpredictability of whether an action will be rewarded or punished, making it nearly impossible to predict.  The partner being abused thinks next time will be different because of the lack of consistency in how the abuse (or love bombing) was delivered in the past.  For example, not drying the dishes fully this time may not lead to punishment as it had before so the partner thinks things are getting better.

While it is often difficult for the person in the abusive relationship to see the cycle of abuse that is happening, they may in fact be aware of this pattern.  However, the partner being abused has developed a maladaptive behavior of forgiveness in response to punishment and this becomes their normal way of responding.  They are trapped in this cycle and it is difficult to get out of.  They can see what is happening, but don’t know how to change when the narcissist continues to be abusive. 

When you can recognize the signs of trauma bonding, you can be more aware this is happening to you and discuss with your friends or professionals what to do next.  

So, what are the signs of trauma bonding?

Walking on eggshells:  When you find you are constantly monitoring your words or actions because you never know how they will be taken, this is a sign that you might be in a trauma bond.  You never are quite sure what will lead to support or an outburst from your partner so you are cautious to avoid the punish you could receive. 

Make excuses for the abuser: When people mention concerns for your relationship or how your partner treats you, do you make excuses?  Do you find yourself attributing his outbursts to his childhood, a bad day at work, or that just being “who he is”?  If so, this might be evidence of a trauma bond.

Hiding your negative emotions:  People with narcissism have an unstable sense of self and cannot appropriately handle when someone displays negative emotions.  This can lead to narcissistic injury and then narcissistic rage.  As a way to avoid potential blow ups from your partner, you avoid the display of any negative emotions.  As a result, you don’t have the opportunity to express your own frustrations and other negative moods while you are always there to protect the negative emotions of your partner.

Trauma bonding only strengthens over time.   The uncertainty on what actions will gain you praise, and which will lead to punishment can feel confusing and overwhelming.  You might seek validation from your partner as a way to gain support and consistency, but this only strengthens the maladaptive behaviors from the narcissist and the trauma bond. If you notice any of the signs of trauma bonding in your relationship, discuss your concerns with someone you trust  When your only gauge of whether your relationship is healthy is your abuser, it will be difficult to objectively look at what is happening and the bond to the abuser will continue to strengthen as the control and manipulation take a stronger hold on you.

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.