The narcissist must control all aspects of their life, and this includes controlling you and those around you.  There is no part of the narcissist’s life which isn’t controlled.  I have discussed previously how the narcissist controls you so check out that blog after this one.  Today, however, I want to discuss how the narcissist must control how others see you, which is another way in which they control you and aspects of their own life. 

Let’s review the narcissists’ need for control in general. The narcissist cannot exist without exerting control over others.  Everyone should be like them, even though no one can compare to them in their mind.  It is a never-ending game of control and manipulation that you will most definitely lose but that is how the game is set up. 

When I say the narcissist will control everything you do, I mean everything.  They control how you talk, how you walk, your hobbies, when you can talk with them, and how you close a car door.  Literally everything.  They tell you how you are doing it wrong, the right way to do it, and how you will never learn.  They act like they need to teach you how to survive in a world you are surviving perfectly fine in.  

The problem is, you are living in the reality of your own life and not the reality the narcissist has created for you.  So, in their mind, you really are doing everything wrong. It is not how they would do it so that means it is wrong.  No questions asked.  No discussion needed. You are absolutely wrong. 

Even though the narcissist’s reality is oftentimes different from what others around them see, it is still very much their reality.  Have you heard the saying, “perception is reality”? That is an important concept when considering the narcissist and their world view.  Their perception is seen as a fact and becomes their reality. 

While the narcissist is actively working to control you and how you do things that match up with their own wants and needs, the narcissist is also controlling how others see you. This happens when the narcissist realizes you can’t be controlled as much as they would like. The narcissist needs you to be easily controlled and this is done more readily when you know they are talking about you to others. 

When the narcissist is controlling how others see you, this allows them to recruit flying monkeys that can help them do their dirty work even when they are focused on something else.  A main reason the narcissist must control how others see you is because it inflates their narcissistic ego.  They like to watch others respond to their words and actions, this gives them a sense of power and control when people act towards you in a way which supports their words about you. If they can convince others that you are flawed in the ways they believe you are, then it requires less work from them.  

The narcissist must control everything because it creates less unpredictability in their life. The narcissist lacks object constancy and lives in the moment.  They can’t consider and integrate information from the past or future.   Because of this lack of object constancy, they can’t have unpredictability in their life because they don’t know what to do with information that they haven’t already planned for.  This is why their control is far reaching and not just about you and what they can control in your life directly.  But also about what they can control in your life indirectly by controlling how others see you. 

So, why does the narcissist have to control everything? Because not having absolute control over all aspects of their life would lead to the collapse of the narcissist and an inability to recover from this collapse.  They are willing to step all over people to protect themselves because at the end of the day, the narcissist only cares about themselves.