When someone accuses you of something you didn’t do, or tells you that you are wrong in your thinking or emotions, it is understandable that you would react by defending yourself. No one wants to be accused of something, especially when it is not even true! When interacting with non-narcissists, defending yourself and revealing the truth is a good way to set boundaries and be assertive so you don’t get taken advantage of. However, with the narcissist, there is no value in reacting to the narcissist because they aren’t able or willing to consider your side of a situation. When you react to a narcissist through defending yourself, or even shutting down, you are letting the narcissist know that their words have affected you and they get more information on how to push your buttons in the future. When you stop reacting to the narcissist, you stop giving the narcissist things to use against you, and also stop subjecting yourself to further invalidation from the narcissist. But, the narcissist is an expert at pushing your buttons so how do you stop reacting to the narcissist while not feeling like you are losing a part of who you are?
When you interact with a narcissist, remember that narcissists operate off emotions. They will interact with you in a way to activate your emotions. When considering emotions versus logic, emotion will always win out over logic. Once your emotions are activated that becomes how you respond, and logic is no longer accessible during the periods of heightened emotions. An example of this might be if you are trying to solve a simple math problem and someone is screaming at you; you won’t be able to solve the problem because your emotions are activated, and you just can’t think clearly. The narcissist thrives on putting you in a place mentally where you can’t think clearly about what is happening.
As the narcissist is belittling you, accusing you of something you didn’t do, or trying to shift responsibility you must work on shifting your mindset from defending yourself to just leaving the situation. The narcissist has absolutely no interest in changing their opinion or thinking differently about you in that moment. The narcissist is in defensive mode themselves and they are also working off emotion. This is not a time for there to be any problem solving.
The more upset you get, either through anger or sadness, the narcissist feeds off this. The narcissistic rage comes when they feel vulnerable and exposed to narcissistic shame. They must push your buttons and enact their punishment tactics to push you away and refill their narcissistic supply. During these moments where you feel on the defensive yourself, you must remember that this reaction from the narcissist is not about you, and it is not anything personal.
Realizing it is not about you and resisting the urge to take it personally is something that can be very difficult but must be worked on so that you can retain your own sense of self-worth. The harsh words directed at you and the insults made about you feel very personal because they ARE directed at you and about you. However, these are just abusive streams of thoughts the narcissist is throwing at you in hopes something sticks, and you shut down. They are the bully on the playground who is mad at everyone, but they aren’t really sure what they are actually mad about.
The more you take things personally, the more you let the narcissist control you by reacting back. Do your best to leave the situation, or think of something else if you must remain in the situation. Don’t challenge them, don’t argue with them, and don’t show them you are hurt. The faster you can disengage from their abusive actions, the quicker the narcissistic rage will end.