When reading about narcissists, and another personality disorder called borderline personality disorder, you may have come across the term splitting. What does splitting mean? In this blog I will discuss what splitting is and why it is often seen in people who have narcissistic personality traits, or narcissistic personality disorder.
For people with healthy development of self, they can recognize there is good and bad in the world, and sometimes those two things overlap. They can understand that when something bad happens, it doesn’t erase all of the good that is present. Good and bad can co-exist at the same time in the same person or situation. This presence of good and bad at the same time doesn’t create a sense of instability.
However, for some people, such as those with narcissism, it is not possible to experience good and bad together. They cannot bring the presence of good and bad into a cohesive whole. As a result, splitting happens. Splitting is when someone’s thinking does not allow them to integrate good and bad and these two are kept separate. Situations, and people, stay on either the “good” side or the “bad” side and they cannot exist in both at the same time.
Splitting is a defense mechanism that allows the person to not feel uncomfortable by the presence of good and bad together. When they split, they can keep these two dichotomous concepts independent of each other and protect their sense of self.
Underlying the concept of splitting is a cycle of idealization and devaluation. On the good side is the idealization and the bad side is devaluation. Idealization is when overly positive qualities are attributed to a person or situation. In devaluation, a person or situation is viewed as completely flawed or possessing overly negative qualities. What you will see with idealization and devaluation is these are absolute ways of viewing a person or situation. The person or situation is viewed in extremes, or all-or-nothing.
A narcissist hasn’t developed a stable sense of self and this leads to them being unable to balance good and bad at the same time. They frequently switch between idealization and devaluation, or split, as a way to rectify any feelings of uneasiness they experience in themselves. A narcissist is unable to experience positive and negative emotions at the same time, so they must split the two to ensure they are kept separate. A person or situation is viewed as either good or bad, and not both.
For a narcissist, a person is either placed on a pedestal, or is viewed as unimportant. There is often no in-between. How often the person moves from one side to the other varies, and is based on the narcissist’s assessment, regardless of whether it’s an accurate assessment for others.
This splitting is often seen when a narcissist is mad at you for some wrong they think you committed. Although they may have loved and cared about you earlier, now that you have done something they don’t like they can become brutally mean. They must not only remove you from the pedestal you were on, but bring you down to a level of worthlessness as a person through devaluation. This can be when the narcissist is the most brutal. They will say hurtful things, rage, and even seek out people to pit against you. All of this is done in their attempts to completely devalue you as a person so that they can feel better about themselves. One wrong from you puts you into the “bad” side and they cannot keep you anywhere in the “good” once you are seen as bad. Good and bad cannot co-exist together.
Splitting is a defense mechanism for the narcissist. While people with a stable sense of self can move on from periods of disappointment, narcissists cannot. As the partner of a narcissist, you are unfortunately the person who must deal with the movement from being idealized to devalued. It is important to remember that you have little control over this, and while the narcissist might make it seem you are the problem, the problem actually lies with them. Until they can work through being able to have good and bad co-exist at the same time, there is little you can do to change things. Continue to make the choices you feel are right for you, and understand the cycle of devaluation and idealization is not about you, but them.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.