In my last blog I discussed the narcissist discard. Check out that blog if you haven’t already to learn more about the discard and what it is. In this blog, I will discuss signs the narcissist is preparing to discard you. I will go over 3 signs a discard is coming, so you can prepare yourself mentally for this final throw away from the narcissist.
When you first enter into a relationship with a narcissist, things are not only good, but great. They know exactly the right things to say and shower you with gifts and affection. They make you feel special, as if you were soulmates that were destined to be together. The start of the relationship is intoxicating, and you are drawn into this magical person, but also disappointed you didn’t find them sooner.
During this idealization phase, the narcissist appears on the surface to be making attempts to show you how much they care about you, but in reality, the idealization and love bombing is not for you, but for them. They need to gain a firm grasp of control over you and the best way to do this is to create the illusion of a bond so that you stick around. The more enamored you are with the narcissist, the better they feel about themselves, and the more control they can have over you.
However, this is an act that takes effort from the narcissist and cannot be sustained indefinitely. The narcissist eventually must revert to their true selves that have low self-esteem and fragile egos. The narcissist doesn’t feel good when they make you happy, they feel good when they can feel superior over others and truly display their sense of grandiosity. The narcissist feels the most energy and connection when they can control and manipulate, and they do this through belittling and criticizing. When they can have their partner feel insecure and need them for attention then they feel better about themselves.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist the cycle from idealization to devaluation will have varying lengths in each phase. The time spent in each phase is dependent on what the narcissist needs from you in that moment. If they suspect that you are slipping out of their grasp and considering leaving, then they will start to love bomb and enter the idealization phase. However, when they need you to feel small and unnecessary they will move into the devaluation stage. Each phase in the narcissistic relationship is meant to meet the need of the narcissist and has nothing to do with you or your needs.
So, if the narcissist can alternate between the idealization and devaluation stage to get their needs met, why would they considering discarding you? As the name suggest, to discard means to get rid of something that you no longer have use for or value. The narcissist can only refill their supply so many times from the same person that it will eventually run out and you must be replaced. This is when the discard phase happens.
So how can you know what you are about to be discarded? The relationship with the narcissist is already dizzying and overwhelming, with you doubting your own thoughts and feelings as a result of the continuous gaslighting. So how do you know you are about to be discarded and can prepare yourself mentally for this final phase?
One sign is that they are looking for or have found a new supply. A narcissist must have a supply to survive because the supply is what replenishes their waning superiority and grandiosity. The narcissist will choose to discard you when they have another option waiting in the wings. If you notice that they are talking more to other people, or they are spending more time out of the house then this might be evidence that a new supply has arrived.
The second sign is affection stops. The narcissist has found a new supply and you no longer serve a purpose to them. The affection was never about building a connection between you and them, but as a way to control and manipulate so that they can keep a tight hold on you and your actions. When there is a new supply, they no longer need to control and manipulate you, so the affection stops.
The third sign is they try to convince you how you are to blame for everything negative that has happened in the relationship. While blame-shifting and projection are common in narcissistic relationships, they are usually about specific things. If you find that your narcissist is blaming you for more things in the relationship and how it is coming to an end because of you, then the discard phase is coming. Although the narcissist is choosing to discard you, they can’t take blame for their own actions and must place the blame somewhere else. They will set up the scenario where you start to believe you are the reason the relationship is finally over, and they do this by increasing blame and accusations.
The relationship with a narcissist is hard enough. Having it end in discard is the final knife to the back of invalidation. They were the causes for most of the problems in the relationship, but as they finally move on and leave you in a dramatic fashion, they ensure that they have one final form of control over you where you actually believe you played a role in how things played out, and if you would have only tried harder then things would be different. The narcissist will never leave with a sense of resolve, and the best way for them to move onto the new supply is by ensuring that they can beat you down fully on their way out.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.