If you have ever interacted with a narcissist, you likely have seen that things are never really as they seem. The narcissist must always be in control to protect against narcissistic injury. To do this, they have created a reality that involves consistent blame-shifting, lack of responsibility taking, and gaslighting. The narcissist is a master at never actually addressing issues that come up. They are pros at shifting the responsibility to others when things don’t go as planned, while quickly taking credit for things that go well. The narcissist is passive aggressive and resists the demands of others. Passive aggressive narcissistic behavior is frustrating because while victimizing those around them, they masterfully play the victim.
When you read about narcissists, the narcissist is usually presented as an outgoing person who has people flock to them because of their personality style. They are seen as grandiose and over the top, being portrayed as an extrovert. However, this pattern doesn’t represent all narcissists. Some narcissists are introverts who are passive aggressive and would prefer to hold grudges than to actually address an issue.
Before I move forward, let’s discuss what passive-aggressive communication is with an example. Let’s say you have a roommate who leaves their clean clothes in the dryer. When you need to use the dryer, you must wait for them to get their clothes out. Instead of discussing the issue with them, or even placing their clothes in a hamper for them later, you start to leave your clothes in the dryer all of the time. You are unhappy with the roommate’s behaviors but don’t address it directly or provide a solution. Instead, you act in the same way as your roommate in hopes they “get” that you are mad at their behavior. You have behaved in a passive-aggressive way by not addressing the issue directly.
Now that we have a basic understanding of what passive aggressive communication is, how does that apply to the narcissist? The passive aggressive narcissist might display many different behaviors, but one is sabotaging others. The passive aggressive narcissist will act in a way that leads to someone failing, but engage in this behavior covertly so they aren’t seen as a possible reason the person’s failure. For example, the narcissist might be your partner on a team project but refuses to act within the team. Deadlines will be given to them to help meet the goal, but they don’t participate at all. Then, when the project isn’t completed, or is done poorly, the narcissist will blame shift and convince everyone else how you were the reason it wasn’t completed in time and all of the efforts they made to ensure the work was done. They will remove all responsibility from themselves.
The narcissist is a master at words and will sit in the background once they stir the pot and get people upset with their lack of actions. They know how to create problems and then slip into the background. Because the passive aggressive narcissist is often an introvert, their retreat back into their own domain isn’t seen as odd, while you are left to pick up the pieces from the path of lies they have created.
Another way the passive aggressive narcissist acts is by making a lot of promises to those around them, but never following through and not telling you that they aren’t following through. The narcissist has feelings of superiority and grandiosity. They must maintain the belief that they are better than everyone because they can’t risk being exposed as average. They eagerly agree to assist others to present themselves as all knowing, competent, and needed. However, the follow through is not necessary for them so they will make many empty promises. If you approach them with their failure to do as they said they would, this is another place where they can blame shift and make you the problem. When you try to discuss the issue, they will bring up other, unrelated issues, so you lose focus on what the initial concern was. They can effectively remove themselves from the issue and leave you wondering what happened. They have behaved in a passive aggressive way by never addressing the concern you brought to them, or even telling you they aren’t fulfilling the promise they made to you.
The passive aggressive narcissist is just like any other narcissist – they have unstable senses of self, are hypersensitive to any perceived criticism, and must always protect against narcissistic injury. At the same time, they must continue to have themselves, and others, believe they are all-knowing and superior. They will agree to actions to feel needed and wanted, and sabotage to feel better about themselves. All of this is done with deflection and making those around them think they are the problem, while the narcissist retreats into their hole to enact their punishment games again when needed.
