As someone who cares about the feelings of others and how your actions might affect someone else, you likely want to right any wrongs and will apologize when you think you have hurt someone else. Maybe you aren’t completely responsible, but you still feel like you can be the better person and apologize to help get past this situation. This is a great quality to have because it shows you can experience empathy and consider others. While you would think this approach would be best in most any situation, one situation in which apologizing can lead to worse outcomes is with the narcissist. Never apologize to a narcissist.
Why would it be detrimental to apologize to a narcissist? To consider not apologizing might make you feel selfish and uncaring. This approach may go against the core of who you are and how you think you should act towards others. This is all understandable. You are capable of feeling for someone else and this simple trait is what sets you apart from a narcissist. The narcissist doesn’t have the ability to consider the needs and wants of others and they will always focus only on themselves.
So, what exactly is so bad about apologizing to a narcissist? The narcissist is unable to take responsibility for any of their actions. No matter the cause of a situation, they will turn it back on someone else and make it about them. This is blame-shifting. The narcissist is a master at blame shifting because it is a survival method for them. To accept blame means they are at fault for an action and to accept fault implies they are somehow flawed. At the core of the narcissist is a false belief that that are perfect and can do no wrong. They must protect this false image of self to prevent narcissistic injury.
When you apologize to a narcissist, whether you are at fault or not, you have made it about you, and this is exactly what the narcissist wants. They can then use this apology to effectively blame shift onto you. This becomes material the narcissist incorporates into their control and manipulation, and you are forever indebted to this indiscretion you have apologized for – no matter how big or small.
One apology becomes representative of everything wrong with you as a person. They can use one small situation to affirm to themselves, and others, how wrong you are and how you are the problem. Yes, you apologized in an attempt to make things better, but for the narcissist you have boosted their narcissistic supply and they use this against you. Did you apologize about accidentally breaking a glass? They will then twist that into why you lost your job or how your friends don’t like you. The broken glass becomes representative of everything that is wrong about you. This allows them to feel better about themselves.
And now you are being accused of many negative things. You become the target of the narcissist’s insecurities and are belittled and name called. In an effort to acknowledge your mistake, the narcissist now has more things to use against you.
Your apology sets off the narcissist punishment tactics. They go into attack mode to make it about you so they can boost their narcissistic supply. When you apologize, the narcissist sees it as a weakness and will use this against you.
Maybe you are thinking it would be wrong to not apologize if you did something to hurt someone else. I mean, a narcissist should be given common decency, right? Doesn’t it make you a bad person to not admit to your wrongdoings? The answer to that question isn’t straightforward and simple. Yes, it would be the right thing to apologize to someone. However, an apology should never be used against you. If the person who is being given the apology cannot accept it without using it against you, then they don’t deserve an apology. Apologies aren’t just about the person apologizing, but also about the other person’s ability and willingness to accept an apology. A wrongdoing should never be used against you. Giving an apology takes skill, just as accepting an apology does.
At the end of the day, apologizing to the narcissist is a waste of your time and energy. If the narcissist has shown they will use the apology against you and a way to boost their ego while putting you down, then the narcissist has not earned an apology from you. This is a firm boundary you need to hold with yourself. The narcissist will find many reasons to identify you as the problem and they don’t need your help to give them things to work with.
