When you have interacted with a narcissist, be it a partner, friend, co-worker, or boss, have you noticed the rules don’t apply to them?  They are quick to tell you how you should act and what you did wrong but then turn around and do the very thing they just got upset with you for doing! When the rules don’t apply to the narcissist, you are left always guessing what is next and this can be confusing and overwhelming.  So why do narcissists think the rules don’t apply to them?

One of the key reasons narcissists don’t think the rules apply to them is due to their sense of entitlement. The narcissist expects favorable treatment and the expectation that they should get what they want, no matter how this affects someone else.  The narcissist thinks they are entitled to and deserve more than those around them.  This “more” can be anything and is whatever the narcissist needs at that moment to refill their narcissistic supply. When their supply runs low, they will seek out refilling their supply in the way that will benefit them the most.  The narcissist is in-tune with others only as a way to refill their supply so they can continue to feel entitled. 

The narcissist lacks empathy, and this allows them to consistently take advantage of others. They can make rules they expect others to follow and get upset with them when they don’t follow these often arbitrary rules, because they lack the ability to relate to others.  With the lack of empathy, they cannot take the perspective of someone else and fully understand what they are thinking and feeling.  The narcissist is always inward focused on their own needs and wants and this prevents them from being able to understand how their actions affect others.

Even if the narcissist gets mad at you and can see the hurt on your face and in your words, they must defend themselves from any shame they experience and will deflect this back onto you.   They do not have the resources to effectively manage shame they might experience and will quickly project blame onto you.

This is another reason why the narcissist sets their own rules that they do not have to follow.  The rules are always changing in a way that will help increase their sense of entitlement while protecting their unstable sense of self. 

They do know right from wrong – but they don’t care.  To care you must be able to relate to others and empathize how your actions will affect them.  The narcissist is focused only on themselves and protecting themselves so whether something is “right” or “wrong” is not something they consider.  Instead, they ask themselves how an action will affect them. 

They know what the rules are but they use it as a way to control and manipulate.  To manipulate someone, the rules of the game must be a moving target.  This way, the narcissist can always place the blame on someone else for not behaving in the way the narcissist wanted them to.  When the narcissist keeps the other person guessing, then they can change the rules into something that will benefit them in that moment. 

So, put simply, the rules don’t apply to the narcissist because the rules aren’t meant for them to follow, but a way to control and manipulate those around them as a way to maintain a sense of entitlement and refill their narcissistic supply so they can continue to protect their fragile egos and low self-esteem.

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.