I wrote a recent blog post on modeling. I discussed what modeling is and how it relates to narcissistic behavior. I received a question on whether modeling and mirroring are the same and I wanted to provide more information on the two terms. Understanding the difference between modeling and mirroring will help you better understand the narcissist, their behaviors, and the best way to interact with the narcissist.
Let’s start with an explanation of the terms. We will begin with modeling. Modeling is when someone serves as a model for someone else by exhibiting the behaviors they would like someone else to follow. Modeling can be intentional as well as unintentional. Here is an example of modeling: If you have children, you want them to be polite around others. You say thank you to people, pick up litter you see, or ask someone how their day is. You may not directly tell your child these behaviors are something they should do; however, they pick it up over time because they are modeling your behavior. They are learning from you based on your actions. How they say thank you, what litter they choose to pick up, and what questions they use to learn more about a person are all decided by the child and may not be exactly what you would do. However, the general theme is present. It’s important to note that modeling isn’t always for positive things and some people will model negative behaviors. Smoking is a simple example for this. If your parents smoked your whole life, you may start smoking because you model what they have done.
Now for mirroring. Mirroring is about imitation. When someone mirrors, they copy someone else’s behaviors, or even their words. To best understand mirroring, think of yourself being in front of a mirror and make some movements. Your image in the mirror is doing the same thing you are doing. There is a direct replication of behavior. Just as with modeling, mirroring is a part of growing up and learning about your world. Mirroring starts when you are a baby, and you mirror the movements of your caregivers or siblings. If your mother smiles, you smile back. If your mother looks in one direction, you also look in that direction. You are copying what your mother is doing, or mirroring. This can also happen with the mother mirroring the baby’s expressions. When someone mirrors you, it can build connection and rapport because the person being mirrored feels a sense of belonging in the interaction.
Modeling and mirroring are very similar to each other, but modeling is a generalization of behaviors you see while mirroring is copying of the same behaviors.
Mirroring has been shown to be an important part of developing empathy. As I mentioned briefly, when you mirror someone, it helps build connection and rapport. As you practice mirroring throughout your developmental years, you better learn how to relate to others. Mirroring also has validation built in. If you express an emotion, or even do a movement a certain way, and the other person mirrors you, you feel validated. Validation further builds connection with someone. Empathy requires the ability to take someone else’s perspective and through the use of mirroring as a developmental process, you can learn how to develop empathy.
As you likely know, a narcissist lacks empathy and this is what can make them seem callous and cold-hearted. The narcissist’s inability to develop empathy started in childhood and an inability to mirror is one contributing cause. I’ll save the reason for why a narcissist might not get effective mirroring from their parents for another discussion. I will also refer you to my blog on the narcissist mirroring you for more information on why a narcissist mirrors you. You can find it on this website, and it is called “Why do narcissists copy you? Mirroring in narcissistic relationships”.
But what about the reverse? Should you mirror a narcissist? There is mixed information on this topic, but I will discuss it from my perspective and my belief that there is little value in mirroring a narcissist and I wouldn’t recommend it. The reason I don’t recommend mirroring a narcissist is because when you copy a narcissist and their behaviors/words/emotions, you are telling the narcissist that they are the superior person they believe they are. This makes them further believe that people want to be like them because of their superiority. Also, when you mirror the narcissist and copy the behavior they are doing, you are only fueling their ego by letting them know something is upsetting you. Is the narcissist yelling at you so you mirror this and yell back at them so they understand how you feel? It is wasted energy on your part. The more you yell, the more upset the narcissist thinks they are making you and the more you inflate their ego and narcissistic supply.
Is the narcissist blame-shifting or not taking responsibility for something and you want to do the same in return? Again, it is a waste of energy. The narcissist isn’t going to learn the lesson you are hoping to teach them. You are just exposing the narcissist to more shame and narcissistic injury which worsens their narcissistic punishment tactics.
Mirroring a narcissist just fuels the fire. You are challenging the narcissist and they will get more brutal in their words and actions. There are few qualities of a narcissist that warrants imitation from you. Even if the narcissist is being nice and you think mirroring their behavior will increase the likelihood of them being nice in the future, you are not thinking like a narcissist. The narcissist isn’t open to being taught something new and they definitely don’t want to be told they are doing something wrong. The narcissist behaves as the narcissist wants and you have very little influence over that. Save your energy by focusing on you and not what you think might change the narcissist.