Love bombing occurs when someone showers another person with gifts and affection as a way to gain control.  Love bombing is a popular tactic used by a narcissist to gain and maintain control through manipulation.  These acts can occur through words or actions such as frequent hugs, being told they love you and you are the one for them, receipt of gifts, or surprise dinners cooked when you had a long day.  Feeling wanted and valued feels good and helps connect and bond you to this person.  However, love bombing from a narcissist is not meant to have you feel better for your own happiness, but meant to serve as a temporary way to draw you into the narcissist and set the stage for later manipulation and control.

Love bombing is a form of conditioning by which the abuser provides positive reinforcement through love bombing when the partner engages in a behavior the abuser wants.  When a behavior is conditioned, the goal is to produce a new, learned response. 

When things go well, the narcissist will love bomb.  However, when you behave in a way the narcissist doesn’t like, then the love bombing is removed because they don’t want to reinforce a behavior that is counter to what they want.  This is where the desire to punish comes in for the narcissist. As a way to control and manipulate, they punish you through yelling, silent treatment, or even physical abuse. Through the process of conditioning, you learn to behave in ways that will lead to love and support from the narcissist and avoid behaviors that will lead to punishment.  

It is this very pattern of reward and punishment that makes toxic relationships difficult to spot and even more difficult to get away from. Love bombing at the beginning of a relationship makes you feel special, as if the other person truly cares about you and what you like.  They seem to have listened to you regarding what makes you happy and provide actions and behaviors to support their awareness of what you need. Through the love bomber’s actions, you begin to think they are a good person.  The first, second, or maybe fifth time they get upset and provide punishment, you are willing to consider that you did something wrong and will try hard to get things back to being positive again.  

However, this is often met with failure because you are trying to figure out what works for both of you, while the narcissist is only focused on what works for them.  Through continued conditioning they are slowing changing your behaviors into something that works best for them.  They will reward “good” behavior while punishing “bad’ behavior.

Through this pattern of manipulation and control you start to doubt your own actions and beliefs and this allows the narcissist  to continue the game they are playing, resulting in you getting pulled further into the chaos of a narcissistic relationship.  You strive for those moments where the narcissist loved you, gave you gifts, and seemed to care about what you want.  

To separate yourself from the acts of love bombing in the relationship you must recognize that the love bombing was never meant to be about you.  It was a carefully planned tactic the narcissist started incredibly early in the relationship to mold their partner into the person they saw as beneficial to them.

It might seem like you, the person who fell for the love bombing, is to “blame” in this scenario.  If you hadn’t changed your behaviors when the narcissist decided to punish then maybe you could have had the upper hand.  Let me be very clear that it is not your fault. Conditioning is a slow process that is not obvious from the outset.  You were behaving as any caring, loving individual would and do things as a way to benefit the relationship.  You did nothing wrong. 

Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse.  The longer you remain in a relationship with a narcissist who behaves solely in a way to meet their needs, the harder it is to leave. It is important to recognize that the narcissist is unlikely to change. Despite your well-intentioned efforts to create a different dynamic in the relationship, it is unlikely to happen because change requires two people. Learned helplessness might also develop and you find that you no longer even try to change because it never worked in the past.  This can lead to worsening depression and anxiety that might have already been present in the relationship with a narcissist. The development of learned helplessness will result in you no longer trying to change and this gives the narcissist more ability to control and manipulate. If you are unsure if you are being love bombed or manipulated, talk with your friends or a professional so you can get a different perspective than what the narcissist is trying to convince you of. 

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.