Lying. There are so many versions of the lie. Some are small, others big, some can be damaging to a relationship, and others meant to protect. Lying is complicated and deciphering why someone has lied to you can be stressful and confusing. Does the type of lie told by someone else really matter? What about their reason for lying? When you are lied to, you lose trust in the person and yourself because you question what is actually real. When someone outright says an untruth, it is easy to see that as lying. But what about lying by omission? The lies where the person doesn’t directly lie, they just leave out information to influence how you interpret the situation. Is lying by omission really a lie and how do narcissists use lying by omission in their control and manipulation?
A lie involves an intention to deceive. With a lie, you provide information that is false when compared to reality. If you and your partner are trying to save money and you stop for fast food on the way home, you may say you didn’t stop for fast food because you don’t want to admit you went against what you two agreed on. You lied to hide the truth. With most lies, it is the person saying something that is not true.
However, another form of lying in which the person doesn’t directly provide false information is lying by omission. Lying by omission is when someone leaves out important information as a way to deceive. They don’t directly provide a false statement, they just don’t give you all of the information.
For example, let’s say you have been talking to your ex and you know your partner wouldn’t agree with this. You spend time with your friends and then get coffee with your ex before coming home. Your partner asks you what you did, and you say you went with friends, then had coffee, and came home. All of that is 100% true. You described your day to your partner. However, you left out the detail of having coffee with your ex. You left this out because you didn’t want your partner to know you had seen your ex. This is lying by omission. You have purposefully withheld information to present a picture different from reality. This withholding of information, or omission, is still lying because there is the intent to deceive.
Lying by omission is still lying, even if you didn’t directly tell a falsehood.
People lie by omission for many different reasons, such as due to fear, shame, or guilt. They may fear the response from the other person for the action they did, they might feel shame that a truth will be told, or guilt because they did something that could hurt the other person. Just as with lying, lying by omission can happen for many different reasons.
Today, however, I want to focus on lying by omission by the narcissist. Lying by omission is another way the narcissist gaslights to control and manipulate. They withhold certain pieces of information so that they can continue to do what they want, without consideration for others. This is a part of gaslighting because they don’t give you all of the information, so it is easier to deny anything you bring up. If you ask about the missing piece of information, they can turn it around on you and how you are crazy, jealous, don’t listen, or any other accusation. You then question yourself and whether you are imagining things, shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it, or heard them wrong. When you bring up the missing information the narcissist deflects and effectively keeps from addressing the issue.
Lying by omission is also how the narcissist protects against a waning narcissistic supply and protects against narcissistic injury. The narcissist is acutely aware of how much supply they have left, and they know when it is time to refill. If the narcissist feels they are about to be exposed for the fraud they are, they will lie by omission. Again, the goal is to keep the attention off them and their wrongdoing, while making it about everyone else. This will inflate their narcissist supply because everyone else is seen as the bad person, and they don’t have to take responsibility for anything.
Lying by omission is a favorite tactic for the narcissist because it is a word game they can use that makes you uncomfortable and coming to them for answers. They need to feel important, even if that importance is fabricated. The narcissist wants you to question them and their actions because if you are concerned with what they are saying or doing, then they can feel important and the center of attention.
If you suspect a narcissist is lying by omission, it is best to not try to get the truth from them. Their response will just be more lies and you’ll never actually get the full truth on anything. The more you ask of the narcissist, the more they play word games, and the crazier you feel. Take the power from the narcissist and just let them be, knowing that they are most likely not being honest with you.