Like many of you, I find myself scrolling through social media or reading stories on the internet to pass the time. There are many creators that discuss the topic of narcissists, as well as people posting about their experiences with narcissists. It is all great information that can help you feel more educated on a topic you would like more information on. However, as I look through social media I find references to gaslighting, with the person providing what they consider an example, when it is not actually gaslighting, but someone just lying, or being evasive. Today, I want to discuss a little more about what gaslighting is, and what it is not.
As I discuss what gaslighting is, and isn’t, I will use the example of a video I saw on TikTok. I think it’s representative of many interactions people can have with others, and is straightforward enough to discuss this topic without too many variables that can make things more confusing.
To start with, let’s define what gaslighting and lying are briefly, and then I will discuss them in a little more detail. At the very basic level, the intent with gaslighting is to twist reality in a way that makes the person being gaslit feel like they are crazy, and to place the responsibility on them. With lying, the intent of the liar is to intentionally hide the truth as a way to avoid taking responsibility but is not intended to manipulate the person being lied to. This is a primary difference between gaslighting and lying. The intent of the person’s falsehood determines whether it is gaslighting or lying.
While the person who lies is avoiding taking responsibility, they aren’t lying to place responsibility on someone else as a way to manipulate. The person who is lying is trying to hide the truth but they don’t do this to manipulate or gain control over someone else. They lie because they don’t want to be confronted with their wrongdoing and want out of the situation as quickly as possible.
While gaslighting is based on lies, not every lie is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. The intent is to belittle the other person and invalidate their experiences, all for the gaslighter’s gain. When the gaslighter lies, it is to create doubt in the person being gaslighted so that they question their own thoughts and motives, which makes them easier to manipulate. When the gaslighter lies, they want you to be unsure of what the truth is so that they can manipulate your reality.
In addition to gaslighting and lying, another response style someone can have to a request or situation is to be evasive. When someone is evasive in their responding, they are not providing an answer to your question or fully responding to your request. They are indirectly responding, or changing the subject to avoid a response. They aren’t being manipulated to alter your reality; they simply don’t want to answer a question and provide you a response.
So, to the example I saw on TikTok. It was a video of a woman texting a person she met online, and they were discussing getting together. She wanted to verify he was who he stated he was and texted him asking for a picture of himself. The other person would come up with excuses as to why they couldn’t provide the picture or brought up unrelated topics, and ultimately never sent the picture of themselves. The other person would divert the topic of the conversation and would change the subject, or make a comment about the request without ever actually providing a picture. This pattern went back and forth and ultimately the person never sent the picture. In the video, the creator stated they were being gaslighted by the guy. Was that really an example of gaslighting?
The answer is no. This is an example of avoidance. The guy wasn’t trying to convince the woman of a separate reality of what was happening. The guy wasn’t trying to make her think something wasn’t true or as she saw it. He was just being evasive and never actually gave her what she was asking for. Yes, the guy was trying to divert her attention to another topic but there wasn’t direct manipulation. There was only non-compliance. Avoidance, being evasive, and non-compliance are not examples of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tells you something isn’t as you know it is as a way to manipulate. In this example, the other person would respond with things such as what is happening in their life; they didn’t make an attempt to show the woman making the request how they were wrong or otherwise misunderstanding something. Not getting the response you want and being strung along isn’t gaslighting on its own. There must be the added piece of an effort to alter your reality. Was the other person who they said they were? Who knows. It is possible that they weren’t but again, this doesn’t make them a gaslighter. It just makes them a liar. Remember, while gaslighting is based on lies, not every lie is gaslighting.