In mainstream media, the word “narcissist” is used as a short-hand way to describe a broad range of individuals with similar traits.  However, within the term “narcissist” there are many different behaviors that can be present, which makes identifying the narcissist difficult at times. First, not all people who have narcissistic traits can be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder with the traits used to a describe a narcissist but there is also a certain level of impact on the person’s functioning that is needed to be able to make the diagnosis.  Someone can have narcissistic traits even if they cannot be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

The traits commonly seen in people with narcissism include a sense of self-importance and grandiosity, is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, or intelligence, believes they are special or unique in some way and can only be understood by people of equal status, requires excessive admiration, feels entitled, exploits others, lacks empathy, are envious of others or feels others are envious of them, and shows arrogant behaviors or beliefs.   Those are several different traits to consider in someone who might be a narcissist, however, an easy way to summarize those traits is that they involve a sense of superiority and the narcissist is self-focused on how their behaviors are better than others and others cannot compare to them.  To maintain this inflated sense of self-importance, they lack empathy and cannot take the perspective of someone else.  To experience empathy would have the potential to require the narcissist to look inward and experience emotions they actively work to push away to avoid narcissistic injury.

Now that we know the general traits of someone with narcissism, let’s focus in today’s blog on two broad categories of narcissists – the distinction between a covert and overt narcissist.    The traits of the covert and overt narcissist are the same, however, the primary difference is how they act outwardly. Internally, they experience the same low self-esteem and lack of object constancy, but they express these insecurities in quite different ways.

First, let’s define the terms covert and overt.  Covert means a behavior is less obvious and is out of our awareness.  The behavior is not openly acknowledged or displayed. Overt means the behavior is done in the open and it is readily apparent and noticed.  For the narcissists, the covert narcissist appears more reserved and introverted, while the overt narcissist is more loud and obviously insensitive to the needs of others.  The overt narcissist has no issues in seeking compliments from others, while the covert narcissist tends to appear more inhibited in their behaviors.

The overt narcissist is a little easier to spot because they openly discuss their accomplishments, how great they are, and where someone else has failed.  However, the covert narcissist engages in more manipulative behaviors to show they are superior, and this can make it more difficult to see who they really are. 

While outwardly the covert and overt narcissist might appear to be very different, internally they have the same insecurities that they must protect through the common narcissistic behaviors of blame-shifting, projection, gaslighting, and other forms of control and manipulation. The covert narcissist doesn’t profess their greatness, but will seek re-assurance about their skills and talents.  They are using others as a way to feed their supply through passive seeking of compliments. 

Narcissists can’t take blame and will blame shift onto others as a way to not experience shame.  If they can shame others, then they can protect shame in themselves.  The overt narcissist will do this by criticizing, name-calling, and belittling.  The covert narcissist will play more the role of the victim.  If they can act like the victim then they can place themselves in a position to receive re-assurances and words of encouragement from others. 

The covert narcissist likes to create confusion to keep others guessing.  This is a passive form of manipulation and abuse because it doesn’t outright tell someone they are wrong.  They will imply you mis-remembered something or that something didn’t happen.  This is in contrast to the overt narcissist who will take every opportunity to tell you where you failed and how you are to blame.

Narcissists lack empathy and this is true for both the covert and overt narcissist. The overt narcissist will actively push you away and make it clear they don’t want to spend time with you.  The covert narcissist takes a more passive approach of being emotionally unavailable.  If they can keep themselves emotionally unavailable, then they don’t ever have to express empathy to the person they are with. 

Now that we have touched a little on the differences between a covert and an overt narcissist, you might wonder which is worse?  As with most things in life, there is no definitive answer.  Narcissists destroy relationships while destroying the self-esteem and self-worth of those they encounter. People are pawns in their game of control and manipulation.  The overt narcissist is more obvious and you can better protect yourself; whereas, the covert narcissist is more passive in their control and manipulation.  The covert narcissist can be more difficult to spot because they aren’t loud and, in your face, and this might make them worse.  However, if you know what the traits of a narcissist are, then you can better protect yourself from their abusive tactics and either respond differently if it is a relationship you can’t leave, or leave if you can.

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.