When a narcissist says ‘I’d never hurt you,’ they’re usually already hurting you. Narcissists don’t promise safety — they promise control. Here’s what ‘I’d never hurt you’ really means. Today, I will break down why narcissists use this phrase, what they are REALLY communicating, and the patterns to watch for so you don’t fall into this emotional trap.

When the narcissist says “I’d never hurt you”, this statement isn’t meant to bring comfort.  It is meant to control you. Let’s go over 4 reasons why the narcissist might say they would never hurt you. We know they are lying, but what may be the reason they would say that to you?

The first reason the narcissist tells you they won’t hurt you is because it is about control.  Remember, the narcissist lacks empathy.  They don’t have the ability to understand the emotions of others and how their actions affect others. They think only of themselves and how things will benefit them.  

Although they lack empathy, they are aware of what other people want.  They must be acutely aware of other’s wants and needs because this is how they can effectively manipulate.  What sounds like a phrase of comfort is actually about control because it lowers your guard.   You want to build connection and words such as “I’d never hurt you” can make you feel connected to someone.  But they say this when they think you’re questioning them, they feel their control slipping, or to apply re-assurance as a manipulation tool and not a genuine promise.  They aren’t calming you.  They are protecting their access to you. 

Reason #2 they say they would never hurt you is because they are trying to rewrite reality.  They say ‘I’d never hurt you’ while doing the very things that are hurting you. This is gaslighting and you will see it after a lie is exposed, you call out their behavior, or you threaten to set a boundary or leave. 

Reason #3 is they are letting you know you aren’t allowed to question them. As I mentioned, saying they won’t hurt you isn’t to provide comfort.  This is further shown by the tone they use.  They will use a guilty, indignant, or insulated tone. It’s less ‘I’d never hurt you’ and more ‘Stop holding me accountable.’ The emotional manipulation is done to make you feel dramatic for having concerns, to shift blame onto you, and to reframe your reactions as overreactions. 

And the last reason I will discuss, Reason #4, is it is a set up for future hurt.  Narcissists declare loyalty instead of demonstrating it.  The phrase “I’d never hurt you” is heard right before betrayal, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, and triangulation. They say it to secure your trust… right before they violate it.

Now that we know why the narcissist would tell you they would never hurt you, let’s decode the narcissist and what the phrase actually means.  What they are really saying is “Don’t question me.”, “Don’t set boundaries”, “Trust what I say and not what I do.”, “Your instincts are wrong, my narrative is right.”, and “I need you calm so I can continue the behavior”. 

When someone truly won’t hurt you, they show you consistently — they don’t have to convince you.