In my last blog I discussed traps narcissists set, with a focus on double-bind communication. Briefly, double bind communication is a dilemma in communication where someone receives two or more conflicting pieces of information, where one piece of information negates the other. The issue is the person cannot resolve the dilemma that is presented because either choice they make will be wrong due to the conflicting pieces of information. Double bind communication places the recipient in a no-win situation. The double bind is used by the narcissist as a way to control and keep the recipient guessing on what to do. This is a form of manipulation.
For the double bind from the narcissist to be effective, the recipient must not be able to recognize the presence of conflicting information. The person wants to meet the demands of the request from the narcissist but doesn’t recognize that this would not be possible because they fail to see, in the moment, the conflicting information. This leads to anxiety in the recipient. With double-bind communication, it is not just a few situations here and there where you feel like you don’t know how to respond, or the other person gets upset with your response. The double-bind communication seen in narcissists is a continuous pattern of manipulation that is meant to control you and your responses.
If the double bind communication places you in a no-win situation where you don’t know what is happening, then how can you overcome this dilemma that you have been placed into? With seemingly no way out, how can you respond in a way where you are not the continuous loser in this game the narcissist plays?
First, you must be able to understand that the narcissist has placed you into a double-bind situation. If you are feeling trapped, angry, or even hopeless, you might be in a double bind situation. Again, the double bind communication is only effective if you don’t know it is happening. If you can recognize the presence of the double bind, you feel less trapped in how you respond and how the narcissist handles your response. You also can extricate yourself from the double bind when you know it is happening.
If you think a double bind might be happening, try to step away from the situation so you can process what the question or statement actually is. When you remove your emotions from the interaction, you can think more objectively. The narcissist wants you to feel pressured and on-the-spot because this is where you will feel the most confused.
Once you are out of the situation, think through the question and whether there is any way out of the trap you have been placed in. If you find that the double-bind communication has happened, try to change the focus off the issue brought up. Remember, the question posed by the narcissist is likely not something they are looking for an answer to. The communication is meant to serve as a means of control and manipulation. If you can change the focus, then you can get out of that specific scenario.
You can also check in with someone else to see how they would respond in that situation. The narcissist likes you to feel alone so that they become your source of reality. This is gaslighting. Don’t let the narcissist become your primary source of information because this allows them to be able to manipulate your reality through gaslighting. Seek guidance from someone else who can help walk you through what is happening.
If you remain in a relationship with a narcissist long enough where double bind communication is happening, there may be no need for the narcissist to use double bind communication because you start to view your world in double bind patterns. You doubt your own judgment and decision making because of the continuous pattern of double bind communication the narcissist placed you in. You want to avoid this from happening because this is a pervasive pattern of uncertainty in your world and not just specific to the narcissist. If you think double bind communication might be happening, check in with your friends, family, or a professional to discuss what is occurring and to get guidance on how to respond in those situations. When you can step away from the double bind communication, this is another way you can get control back from the narcissist.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.