Ever feel like nothing makes sense when you’re around a narcissist? One moment they’re kind, the next they’re cold? You're left questioning yourself constantly. That’s not an accident—it’s by design. Let’s break down how narcissists keep you confused—and why they want it that way.

In their toolbox of manipulative techniques, the narcissist has what seems to be a never-ending array of ways in which they can control you.  One powerful technique they use is confusion.  Confusion is a popular weapon of choice because the more disoriented and confused you are, the easier it is to gaslight, manipulate, and keep you stuck. When you are confused, you become more dependent on them for answers. Think back to times in which you were given conflicting information by someone other than a narcissist. You tried to make sense of what was happening and what the right thing to do was. You considered the conflicting information but were still confused about what to do.

We often encounter situations in which we are confused, but this isn’t usually a no-win situation which has been purposefully created.  However, with the narcissist, they will purposefully create confusion and have you question your own thoughts and emotions.  And if you come to them for assistance, they will try to confuse you more.  The narcissist doesn’t want clarity, they want control. 

Some of the tactics used by narcissists to create confusion include gaslighting, blame shifting, word salad, and outright lying. Each of these tactics are meant to create a narrative which best supports the narcissist’s best interests, and no one else.

I discuss each of these in more detail in separate blog posts, so I will simply touch on them today. 

To start with, gaslighting is when the narcissist tries to tell you that how you remember something isn’t actually how it happened.  As you can expect, this creates confusion because you know how you remember something, and they are trying to convince you that you are wrong.  They may also invalidate your feelings through gaslighting by telling you that you are wrong for your emotional response.  Phrases said by a gaslighting narcissist might be “I never said that” or “You’re too sensitive.” One of the most important steps in learning how to deal with a narcissist gaslighting you is to stop questioning your reality and start trusting your own perceptions.

When the narcissist can’t convince you that your own memories are wrong, they simply turn the tables and make you to be the problem through blame shifting.  You wouldn’t be in the situation you are in if you didn’t cause all the problems.  Well, that is what they want you to believe. You end up apologizing to them for the wrong they accuse you of committing and now you are confused about whether you did or didn’t do something wrong. 

To further confuse you, narcissist word salad is where they say a lot, without really saying anything. These are the circular arguments they have with you where they talk about everything but the actual problem. There is never any resolution because during the word salad you forget what the problem actually was.   Narcissists are confusing on purpose. They confuse you to keep themselves from having to be held accountable. Learning how to deal with narcissist word salad starts with recognizing when a conversation is meant to confuse you, and not resolve anything.

And the tried-and-true method of confusion which allows them to remain in control is lying.  When they deny something happened then they can constantly re-write the script for the narrative they are creating.  All they must do is say no, that didn’t happen, even if the proof is staring them in the face. 

Interacting with a narcissist can be dizzying. They will do whatever they need to keep you confused and dependent on them for answers.  You can start to take your power back by setting boundaries, not invalidating your own feelings, and not defending yourself.  The fuel to the narcissist’s confusion making is interaction with you. The more you interact with them, the more content you give them to be able to use against you.  It is understandable you want to explain yourself but remind yourself that the narcissist isn’t looking for clarity, they are only looking to create confusion.  Recognizing the signs a narcissist is confusing you on purpose—like constant contradiction, gaslighting, and shifting blame—is key to breaking free from their manipulation.

Narcissists confuse you so they can control you. But once you see the pattern, you can stop playing the game. Understanding how a narcissist makes you feel confused, guilty, and never quite good enough, can help you recognize the emotional abuse for what it is.