Narcissists don’t ask if you’re loyal — they trap you into showing it. Let me show you how. Ever notice how a narcissist will set you up to ‘prove’ yourself without ever saying it out loud? These aren’t accidents — they’re loyalty tests. Today, I’m breaking down the subtle ways narcissists check whether you’re still under their control.

I’m Dr. Emily Mayfield, a licensed psychologist. If you’re healing from narcissistic abuse or learning how to protect your boundaries, you’re in the right place.

Narcissists love to test your loyalty.  This becomes yet another game they play with your emotions, and how they can rewrite reality.  Their loyalty tests aren’t about love – they’re about control and reassurance. Narcissists need to confirm you’re still available to boost their fragile ego which is always on the verge of narcissistic collapse.  They test you when they feel insecure, when you pull away, or when they fear losing supply. 

So, what do the tests of the narcissist look like? Everything with the narcissist is about manipulation so how would you even know your loyalty is being tested? Let’s go over 4 tests the narcissist uses when they need to re-affirm that they can still control your narrative as a way to keep some stability in their life.

Test #1 is the “innocent” boundary violation. The narcissist is always testing your boundaries and most of the time this boundary testing is obvious.  But sometimes they can do an “innocent” test which might seem small on the surface but is meant to see where your loyalties lie.  With this type of boundary violation, they will do something small to see how you react. This might be canceling plans last minute, showing up late, or saying something mildly disrespectful.  Why would they do these things? They’re watching whether you call it out, or if you let it slide. If you stay silent, they know you are still compliant. 

Test #2 is the confusing emotional shift.  You already feel like you are walking on eggshells with the narcissist and you never really know what you did wrong when they become upset with you. This emotional instability from the narcissist makes the emotional shift all the more confusing.  They may show sudden coldness, distance, or withdrawal.  They do this because they are gauging whether you will chase them, apologize, or try harder.  In other words, they want to see what your reaction will be. This shows them how attached you are and how much control they still have. 

Test #3 is the “third party” provocation.  This is where they bring up an ex, friend, or anyone who “understands them”.  As usual, they want to see your reaction. Do you get jealous, become insecure, or start proving your worth to them? When they bring up someone else, they are checking to see if you feel threatened enough to compete for them. 

And the last test, Test #4 is the loyalty trap question. These are questions which are designed to track whether you are drifting away from them.  The questions may be “Why didn’t you answer earlier?”, “Who were you with?”, or “Are you still upset with me?”.  These aren’t real questions they are interested in getting your answers to.  These are probes to determine your emotional dependence. 

You must remember that these are tests. They aren’t an attempt at connection or trying to build understanding and improve communication with you.  These aren’t tests that you can pass or fail.  In fact, the test is simply meant to reveal how much access they still have to you.  The moment you stop reacting is the moment their power over you decreases.  

Don’t be fooled by these tests of loyalty the narcissist uses in their game of control and manipulation.  When you “prove” your loyalty to the narcissist, you are only boosting their ego which inflates their ever-waning narcissist supply tank.  And a full supply tank means the narcissist has more energy to continue their abuse and manipulation.