Have you ever caught a narcissist in a lie, only to end up apologizing yourself? You have the proof right in front of both of you, but the narcissist avoids responsibility and somehow convinces you that you are the problem, so you apologize. You may apologize for bringing it up or apologize for being upset.  However, later you are angry at yourself, and not the narcissist, because you allowed yourself to apologize for something you didn’t do.  Today, I will discuss how narcissists use gaslighting to avoid responsibility taking and how you can stop falling into their trap. 

Let’s start with a reminder on what gaslighting is.  Gaslighting by a narcissist is a favorite control tactic of theirs that results in you questioning your own reality.  The narcissist will twist the reality of a situation into something which better serves their own needs, and then try to convince you their reality is correct.  This is a manipulation tactic which is meant to confuse you and make you feel crazy, while the narcissist calls you crazy.  When the narcissist is gaslighting you, they may say things such as “That never happened.”, “You are too sensitive”, or “You never can remember anything like it actually happened.”  Each phrase they use when gaslighting is meant to invalidate your own experiences. The goal of gaslighting is to not only confuse you, but to make you look inward and start to question your own thoughts and memories while turning the focus away from the narcissist.  The emotional manipulation through gaslighting creates confusion through intentional distortion.  Knowing signs someone is gaslighting you can help you be aware of when it is happening. 

The narcissist will use gaslighting to avoid accountability because they can’t take responsibility for something they think can paint them in a negative light. Narcissists never admit when they’re wrong.  They have an unstable sense of self and a fragile ego.  They do everything they can to gaslight themselves into believing they are the superior, grandiose, all-knowing person they want you to believe they are.  When something happens which could lead to their mask falling off, they will point the finger away from them and onto you. It is never the narcissist’s fault and always someone else’s. 

To take responsibility for something which can be viewed as wrongdoing on their part would imply the narcissist is somehow flawed.  Seeing themselves as flawed would be an attack on that fragile ego and lead to a quick release of their narcissistic supply.  It directly targets their carefully crafted self-image which paints them as superior and flawless.  By pointing fingers at everyone else but themselves, they can protect their fragile ego. By gaslighting you into believing their crafted story, they can quickly return to gaslighting themselves into believing the lies they see as true. 

The narcissist has various tactics they can use to avoid accountability by gaslighting you. Narcissist defense mechanisms to avoid accountability can include denial, deflection, lying by omission, and playing the victim. How narcissists gaslight to escape accountability is through these narcissist defense mechanisms. 

Denial is straightforward.  This is where they flat-out deny something ever happened. You can both be looking at the evidence and the narcissist will still lie to your face.  You found a text which shows plans they made with an ex, and you bring this up.  Despite the text existing, the narcissist will say it doesn’t exist or that the person in the text isn’t their ex but someone else they were talking to.  However, if asked for more information they won’t give you any answers. 

This brings us to another tactic they use in their gaslighting and this is deflection.  Deflection is when they not only won’t answer a question, but they change the subject or bring up your flaws instead.   Deflection is one of the quickest ways the narcissist can get the attention off them and onto you.  You ask them about their ex, and they bring up how you spoke with the waiter at the restaurant last night. Of course, these two things aren’t similar or even related, but the narcissist needs you to become defensive so you are defending yourself and the focus can move from them to you. 

Lying by omission is closely related to deflection.  When the narcissist lies by omission, they don’t admit to something they did wrong, but they also don’t deny wrongdoing.  For example, you ask them about the text with their ex and ask them if they met their ex last night.  They say no, and on the surface this is true.  They met their ex for lunch so, by default, they didn’t meet their ex last night.  Lying by omission becomes a word game for the narcissist where they can continue to lie as long as you don’t ask the exact question which would require honesty. 

And if you do formulate the perfect question which the narcissist chooses to answer and not deflect or deny, they won’t willingly make themselves into the problem by admitting fault.  They will move into playing the victim so they can gain sympathy and escape blame.  The blame shifting narcissist will be apologizing for how they can “never get anything right” and “tries so hard”.  The blame-shifting is a way to keep the focus off of them and onto you. The victim role will consist of them belittling themselves as they prey on your strong sense of empathy and need to rescue them and say words of encouragement, so they don’t feel bad about themselves.  The narcissist plays the victim so they can escape blame, while also hearing words which stroke their crumbling ego. Stop taking the blame for the narcissist and being a reason they can inflate their narcissistic supply. 

Your best defense against the narcissist gaslighting you to avoid taking accountability is to recognize when it happens. Knowing how to deal with a narcissist gaslighting will give you the upper hand.   If the narcissist sees you as possibly blaming them as the problem and accusing them of somehow being wrong, they will do whatever they can to get the focus off them and onto you. They will target you and make you defend yourself because if you are defending yourself, the focus is off them.  Don’t take the bait. Trust your own truth and don’t give it away so easily to someone you already know would never admit fault.