In several other blogs, I have discussed the silent treatment and how it is one form of a narcissist punishment tactic the narcissist uses to gain control. However, one area I have not discussed specifically is how long the silent treatment lasts. When you are the recipient of the silent treatment, you feel helpless. Nothing you seem to do leads to any changes from the narcissist and you are forced to wait it out until the narcissist decides to interact with you again. So how long do you have to wait before you are no longer receiving the silent treatment?
Let’s recap what the silent treatment is. However, for a more detailed explanation, check out my other blogs on this topic. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that is designed to place the abuser in control. I will discuss the silent treatment specially in the context of the narcissist; however, the silent treatment can be used by anyone. The silent treatment is used by the narcissist to exert control, silence the victim, avoid any conflict resolution, and to “show” the victim what they have done wrong. The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive communication because it doesn’t actually address the issue. The only person that has all of the information in this game of control and manipulation is the narcissist. This means that the narcissist is the only one who knows the rules of the game and how it is played. This allows the narcissist to continually change the goal posts or the rules along the way so that it supports them and no one else.
The narcissist engages in the silent treatment when there is the potential for narcissistic injury. The narcissist is always on the defensive and looking for dangers around them. They believe they are superior, all-knowing, and deserve special treatment. However, they also have fragile senses of self that are easily influenced by the outside world. The narcissist operates from the mindset of protection, and they must always protect their fragile egos.
The problem is, the narcissist is on the defense and will find danger in most anything. It can be the person who didn’t smile at them, the line they had to wait in, or their partner, parent, or friend who didn’t pick up the phone when they called. The narcissist operates under the perpetual belief that the world is against them and out to get them. When they can give the silent treatment, they are in control. They can control what information comes into them and what information they provide to those around them. This allows them to protect against narcissistic injury.
This then brings us to the issue of how long the silent treatment lasts. Unfortunately, the only person who could give that answer is the narcissist because they are in complete control of the situation. No matter what you do or say, the decision to communicate and no longer be passive-aggressive falls with the narcissist. As I mentioned, the only person who knows the rules of this game being played by the narcissist, is the narcissist.
The silent treatment will end when the narcissist no longer feels threatened and at risk of narcissistic injury. When the narcissist believes that the other person no longer wants to address a specific issue, or has been punished enough for a perceived slight committed against the narcissist, the silent treatment will end. This can be hours, days, months, or even decades. There is no predetermined timeline by the narcissist. It also isn’t really based on anything you may or may not do. This is all about the narcissist and when they feel as if they are no longer at risk of shame and narcissistic injury.
As the recipient of the silent treatment, it can be painful to sit back and have no control over the situation. You try to figure out what you did wrong to get the silent treatment and what you can do to end the silent treatment. You spend most of your time thinking about your faults and how they contributed to the situation. The problem is, this isn’t about you. No matter what you did, or didn’t do, the silent treatment is a defense mechanism for the narcissist. They will end the silent treatment when it benefits them. While you wait out the silent treatment, use this time to re-evaluate the relationship and whether this form of punishment is something you want to continue to have in your life for things you didn’t even do. Making the decision to leave the narcissist is hard, but this is something you are in control of, and the narcissist can’t take from you.
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