In one of my recent blogs I discussed the difference between the silent treatment and going no contact. Today, I will discuss the difference between the grey rock technique and going no contact. When you can better understand the tactics used by the narcissist, and tools available to you to manage their narcissistic abuse, you can take control from the narcissist.
Going gray rock and no contact are both tools you can use to limit your interactions with the narcissist. When you use the gray rock technique, you are still interacting with the narcissist and communicating with them, whereas with no contact, you are no longer in contact with the narcissist. Why you choose one technique over the other depends on your overall situation, as well as what will work best for you in that moment.
First, let’s understand what each of the terms means. We will start with the gray rock technique. When you interact with a narcissist, you will notice they manipulate the conversation and interaction in a way that benefits them in the moment. If the narcissist is running low on supply and needs it replenished, one way they will do this is by making you feel less about yourself so that they can feel better. They are incapable of creating satisfaction from within, so they must belittle others to feel better about themselves. One way they do this is with baiting.
Baiting is when the narcissist acts in a certain way to elicit a response from you. This may be through words or actions. If the narcissist says something mean or untruthful about you, you will defend yourself. The narcissist will then take your defense and turn it against you, accusing you of being crazy or someone who is always upset. They have pushed the right button to elicit a response from you. As you continue to take the bait from the narcissist and defend yourself, they will continue to use this against you. The narcissist is not only refilling their supply, but gathering information they can use against you in the future.
In order to stop the baiting, you can use the gray rock technique. The gray rock technique is when you stop providing material for the narcissist to later use against you. This is done by responding minimally to the narcissist so that you are boring and unengaging. You also respond with no emotion so the narcissist doesn’t get pleasure from upsetting you. This can be done with short responses of only a few words while giving no new information. For example, if the narcissist asks “Do you have plans for the weekend?” A non-grey rock response might be “Yes, I am spending time with my friends and we are going to dinner.” or “Why do you care what I am doing this weekend?”. Both of those examples give the narcissist information that can be twisted in their favor. A grey rock response might be: “yes” or “no”. There is no additional information provided and you have answered the question from the narcissist fully.
Now let’s discuss going no contact. When someone goes no contact with the narcissist, they cut off all communication. You don’t call, text, or otherwise communicate with the narcissist. If they contact you, you don’t respond back. If they send a gift, you don’t accept it. This allows you to be in control of the interaction and not the narcissist. Each of the behaviors from the narcissist are a way for them to feel in control of a situation they are spinning out of control in.
Going no contact is the most effective way to no longer be exposed to the control and manipulation from the narcissist. However, not everyone is in a circumstance of being able to go no contact. If the narcissist is your own parent, or the parent to your child, interaction between you and them must remain. You don’t have the option to stop communicating. If you must still interact with the narcissist, but want to take back control, you use the grey rock method. The grey rock method is used when you must still interact with the narcissist. Even with narcissists that you must remain in contact with, you can use a combination of no contact and grey rock. They can be used interchangeably and should be based on what you need in that moment to get past the situation. If you remember that the narcissist rarely cares about others and only behaves in a way that benefits them, you can choose the technique that works best for you and your own mental health and not worry about how it might affect the narcissist.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.