On this channel I try to discuss narcissists and narcissist behaviors in a way in which you would be able to recognize a narcissist and be better equipped with how to respond to them.  The information I provide is brief and not meant to be all encompassing but should provide information to help guide you in further research.  What I notice though is the overuse of the term narcissist in social media.  People make brief videos of interactions they had with someone, or record the interactions they had, and then claim the person is a narcissist.  While neither I, nor anyone else, could state someone is a narcissist based on one interaction or one small clip, I want to discuss today one way in which I see people claim someone is a narcissist when they are more likely just being abusive and mean while not being a narcissist.  This is when someone is being emotionally abusive and calling their partner names, belittling them, or putting them down.  While I focus a lot on narcissists and narcissist behavior, I also want to ensure there is a clear distinction between a narcissist and a non-narcissist.   While non-narcissists can behave like narcissists, and vice versa, it isn’t beneficial to incorrectly clump people into an incorrect category.  Let’s talk today about whether only narcissists use emotional abuse.

I will begin with a brief discussion of the video I saw on social media which made me concerned the term narcissist is being overused.  Again, this video was about 1 minute long so there is no way to know if the person was a narcissist or not.  However, the person recording the video made the claim the person was a narcissist and in the absence of additional information it can be misleading for someone who has been through a similar experience.  In this video, a person was recording their partner who was being blatantly verbally abusive.  The abusive partner was name calling and belittling their partner.  Telling their partner that they shouldn’t have committed as much time to them as they did and describing ways in which they were useless.  Everything from the abusive partner’s mouth was meant to make their partner feel worthless and to put them down.  This is, without a doubt, emotional abuse. However, does that mean the person was a narcissist? 

Do only narcissists use emotional abuse?  The abusive partner was clearly being mean, disrespectful, and abusive but does that mean they are a narcissist?  The answer is no. Not all emotionally abusive people are narcissists.  Some people are just mean but don’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

So, how do you tell the difference between a narcissist who is abusive and a non-narcissist who is abusive? Much of it comes down to intent.  

Some people say abusive things because that was how they grew up.  The people around them would speak in disparaging terms and put others down so this is what they learned.  The non-narcissist abuser had poor modeling and continues the destructive pattern of words which are abusive. They may not even intend to be abusive.  Yes, they know their words hurt someone and recognize after the fact what they did.  However, that way of speaking is ingrained in them, and they haven’t learned better ways to respond when they are upset.  Oftentimes, if this person is called about as abusive they may be hurt because they didn’t intend to abuse their partner. 

Someone who grew up in an abusive family also has trouble trusting others and doesn’t learn appropriate emotional management.  They can become easily overwhelmed and upset but didn’t learn how to effectively manage these big emotions as a child, so they lash out in abusive ways to push people away.  They don’t intend to be abusive but still engage in abusive ways. 

For a narcissist, they intend to be abusive and put others down.  They do it purely to make themselves feel better.  They need others to be put down so that they feel better about themselves.  They are calculated in their abuse and use control and manipulation as a primary abuse strategy.  The abuse by the narcissist is intentional and well thought out. 

This calculated abuse is what defines narcissistic abuse and separates it from emotional abuse by a non-narcissist. The narcissist is watching you and finding ways they can make you feel low and useless in the future.  They will be caring and supportive when it benefits them, and then quickly flip to being abusive when being caring is no longer benefiting them. They control every interaction to their advantage, and you never know what version of the narcissist you will get.  When you are with a non-narcissist abuser, they are more predictable in their abuse. 

Whether the abuser is a narcissist or not doesn’t change the inappropriateness of the abuse. However, I want to ensure that people aren’t classified into a diagnosis they don’t have because this doesn’t benefit anyone.  As you seek more information about your experiences, and try to understand what you are going through, when you have the best awareness of what is happening, you can find the best techniques to create change in your life.