In today’s blog I want to discuss more on the topic of whether narcissists know what they are doing when they are mean, controlling, and manipulative. This is a difficult topic to fully understand because there are many different aspects to it. However, I will try to break it down into components to better understand what it means to “know” from the narcissist.
I have written many blogs on the concept of narcissism punishment tactics and their unstable senses of self that leads to narcissistic injury and narcissist rage. One of the most common questions/comments I receive from these videos is whether the narcissist knows what they are doing. This is a valid question because understanding whether someone knows how they act and how those actions affect others helps you better understand them and also better develop ways out of the situation.
First, I think it’s important to start with what it means to “know” something. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to “know” means “to have understanding of” or to “recognize the nature of”. So why does the definition of “know” even matter? Being able to understand the definition of know helps to understand what information is available to the narcissist when they engage in their controlling and manipulative behaviors.
Now, let’s look at some of the behaviors narcissists engage in and why they engage in these behaviors. I will discuss the example of narcissistic rage just to keep things simple with one example. However, you can take this same information and replace “narcissistic rage” with “silent treatment” or any other narcissist behavior. I will discuss how the narcissist knows what they are doing, on one hand, but also doesn’t know what they are doing on the other. That is confusing to consider so let’s work with a specific example!
Narcissistic rage occurs when a narcissist experiences a narcissistic injury. This could be any perceived attack on them that could suggest they are not the superior, high self-esteem person they want you to believe they are. During a narcissistic rage, a narcissist might yell, call you names, and possibly be physically violent. The goal during the narcissistic rage is to protect their fragile senses of self and to project away from them and onto you. The narcissistic rage is a form of self-preservation for the narcissist. They can’t turn inwards to experience the deep feelings of shame they have, so they need to get the focus off of them as fast as possible. When they rage, this can be very effective. Anyone that is being verbally, or physically, attacked enters into a defensive mode. They defend against the things being said about them or try to leave the situation to get away from the violence. Either way, the topic has become about the rage and not the initial issues the narcissist was trying to protect against.
Over time, as a partner, co-worker, friend, or child of a narcissist, you learn that certain topics lead to narcissistic rage and you avoid them. Or even if there is a new source of their rage, as soon as the rage starts you learn to get out of the situation as quick as possible. This becomes a survival method for you.
What is happening is called behavior modification. Behavior modification is the changing of behavior patterns through learning techniques. The narcissist has learned that if they rage, the situation will no longer be about the topic that led to narcissistic injury, and there is the added benefit of the other person leaving the situation at times. This is reinforcing for the narcissist. They have learned that raging gets them what they want, which is to be left alone. The next time you bring up a topic that they don’t want to discuss, or can’t discuss due to the potential for narcissistic injury, they will quickly move into rage to push you away. The narcissist knows what they are doing in the sense that they know rage leads to the focus on them being changed. They know if they continue to rage you will continue to back away and just avoid conversations in general. They have effectively modified your behaviors in their favor.
But why would someone want to purposefully hurt you? They know the rage leads to you being upset and no longer wanting to talk to them or be with them, so why would they do that? This is where empathy comes in and whether the narcissist really knows they hurt you. Empathy is the ability to understand and share in the feelings of someone else. To experience empathy means you can sense how other people might be feeling while also being able to imagine what they are thinking and feeling. If your friend has lost a parent, you are able to understand that they feel sad and why they feel sad. You may have never lost a parent before, but you can relate to a deep sadness they are feeling.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder lack empathy. They cannot relate to or understand the emotional experiences of others. Because they lack empathy, then cannot, at the emotional or cognitive level, understand how their actions affect you. Yes, they see you crying, or angry, but that is just a behavior you are doing. They cannot understand the true negative emotions you are experiencing in response to their behaviors.
So, do narcissists know what they are doing? The answer is yes and no and goes back to what it means to “know”. The narcissist is always looking out for #1, which is them. They design their world in a way to protect their fragile senses of self and to prevent narcissistic injury. All actions are meant to ensure they can continue to feel superior and grandiose. They have learned, through behavior modification, the quickest way to get the focus off them and onto someone else. They know when they rage people leave the situation or start to discuss their raging behavior and not the initial issue at hand. The narcissist knows that certain behaviors will push people away.
However, at the deeper level of knowing, the narcissists doesn’t know how they hurt you because they lack empathy. They are confused on why you are mad at their actions. Their rage effectively worked for them, and they can’t understand why you would be angry or crying. They cannot take on the emotional experiences of someone else due to this lack of empathy. So no, at the deeper level the narcissist doesn’t know they hurt you.
It is best to think of a narcissist and their rage like a dog who is protecting their property. The dog knows that if they bark and run at you, you will leave. No matter how sweet and cute they were yesterday when you saw them, you are responding to their rage at this moment in time. The dog has modified your behavior through its aggressive actions. When you leave the area of the dog, you are sad, because you just wanted to pet it like you did yesterday. However, the dog has no awareness of your sadness. They don’t consider your feelings because that is out of their understanding. If you come by their yard tomorrow and they don’t want you nearby, they will again be aggressive, without consideration of what you want or need. This is how the narcissist functions. They know what actions keep people at a distance, while not knowing how this affects you emotionally.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.