As I have discussed in other blogs, narcissistic relationships are built from control and manipulation. A narcissist’s #1 is themselves and you are simply a pawn in the game they play with others. This isn’t to say you are to blame for being a pawn! Narcissists are excellent at the game of control and manipulation and behave in ways that often make you feel the most loved and wanted. Unfortunately, their intent is not to connect with you or boost your self-esteem, but to boost their own self-esteem and further protect their fragile egos and sense of self.

One way in which narcissists bring potential dating partners into their life is through love bombing. Through the act of love bombing, the narcissist showers someone with attention and/or gifts to gain control. By these acts from the narcissist, you feel loved and wanted and this helps bond you to them. However, the narcissist sees their actions in a different way. They are engaging in positive actions not for your benefit, but for theirs. When you are emotionally attached to them and see them as a positive person in your life, then they can better control you. Behave in a way the narcissist approves of and the love bombing continues. Behave in a way they don’t approve, and the punishment tactics start to come out as a way to modify your behavior into something they want.

Oftentimes, relationships with narcissists are abusive. In fact, love bombing is one form of abuse narcissists employ in their game of control. Once someone is in an abusive relationship, it is difficult to leave for many reasons. The victim may be trauma bonded to the narcissist which further complicates the process of leaving. However, once someone leaves an abusive relationship it doesn’t always mean the contact with the abuser has ended. Abusers like to be in control and when a partner leaves, they have lost all control. The power has been shifted to the abused and is no longer with abuser.

Just as the narcissist used love bombing to gain your control at the initiation of the relationship, they will use similar tactics to get you back. One such tactic is called hoovering. The term hoovering was coined from the brand name of a vacuum. When the narcissistic partner hoovers, they try to suck you back into the relationship. The techniques used to pull you back in can be positive or negative, but all are well thought out and calculated means to have the victim choose to come back into the relationship they previously left. Some possible hoover techniques may include begging, promising to be different or changed, gift giving, or even threats.

The narcissist will try anything possible to regain control of the partner that left. They will move between tactics to find the one that works. The narcissistic partner starts with the kind words and promises of change. When that doesn’t work, they escalate into degradation of the victim and making them believe no one wants them. Finally, if all else fails they will attack your character and everything you value in yourself and your life. At this point, they are feeling more and more out of control and have nothing to lose.

The partner that left the relationship can possibly hold firm in their decision to remain away from the relationship, however, with continued hoovering by the narcissist, they might begin to feel worn down. They have no more energy, physically or mentally, to fight with the narcissist or rebuke their attempts at reconciliation and can eventually be sucked back in. The pull of the narcissist is greater than their desire to remain out of the relationship.

Leaving a relationship with a narcissist is difficult, and it can be disappointing to find yourself back in the very relationship you left. It is important to recognize that you are not to blame for this return to the relationship. Narcissists can be charming and when that doesn’t work, they attack the core of who you are as a person. Understanding the narcissist never cares about you and what is best for you, you can further hold strong and resist the hoovering from the narcissist who is trying to get theirs, and no one else’s, needs met.

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.