Spending any time around a narcissist can feel like a roller coaster of ups and downs. You are happy, then angry, hurt, and may even feel hopeless. Then, the cycle starts all over again where you move between a variety of emotions, some even positive, which can make things even more confusing. You may even feel like you are going crazy because your emotions are always changing, and you feel like you are starting to not have control of how you think and feel. Are you the reason for the ever-changing emotions, or is it because of the narcissist in your life? Narcissists have a way of interacting with people where they move between idealization and devaluation. One moment they make you feel like the most important person in their life, and the next moment they are devaluing you with narcissistic punishment tactics. You try to predict which version of the narcissist you will get but you can’t seem to predict who they will be today. How do you cope with narcissist idealization and devaluation?
The narcissistic abuse cycle is the pattern of abuse inflicted by people with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The cycle involves idealizing someone, then devaluing them, and this becomes an ongoing cycle until the narcissist feels they have no further need for the person and then discards them. The discard doesn’t have to be permanent, but it is a time in which the narcissist finds no use for their victim and moves onto someone else.
The first stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle is the idealization stage. This is where the narcissist makes you feel on top of the world. They value you and say positive things about you so that you feel good about them and the relationship. For a romantic relationship, this might look like the narcissist buying flowers or other gifts, or taking you to dinner. Another term for this is love bombing. For non-romantic relationships, idealization can include telling everyone how great you are and what your accomplishments are. During the idealization stage, the narcissist can’t seem to get enough of you and wants to spend a lot of time with you.
The purpose of the idealization stage is to pull someone in so they are easier to manipulate in the future. Through the idealization, you feel like you can trust the narcissist and that they care about you. You feel loved and cared for by the narcissist and start to develop and grow the relationship.
However, the idealization stage isn’t permanent and is followed by the devaluation stage. The devaluation stage is where the narcissist beats you down verbally. They point out faults in you and start to blame shift and not take responsibility for their actions. You become the source of all problems in the relationship and the narcissist reminds you daily of this. During the devaluation stage, you can do nothing right, no matter how hard you work to make changes and stay out of the way.
The devaluation stage develops slowly because if the narcissist quickly came in with negative actions and words then you would be more likely to pull away. This slow development makes it more problematic because it is harder to notice it is happening until it is too late.
The narcissist idealizes and devalues for their benefit and their benefit alone. The idealization and devaluation are meant to refill their narcissistic supply. They choose the idealization and devaluation based on what they need in that moment to boost their ego and refill their supply.
Now that you know what the narcissistic abuse cycle is and can identify it happening in your life, what do you do about it? How do you cope when you are stuck in the back and forth of idealization and devaluation?
The first step is to remember not to take it personally. It is VERY easy to feel like it is an attack on you and the narcissist is moving between liking you and hating you because of something you did, or didn’t do. However, this is not true. The narcissist may tell you that you are the problem, but this is part of the devaluation. The narcissist must ensure you feel bad about yourself so that they can feel good about themselves. The decision to idealize and devalue you is made by the narcissist and no one else. They use the tactic they need in the moment, and you are simply the means by which they enact their cruel behaviors and not the reason.
Once you realize you are not the problem, you should then consider whether you can break ties with the narcissist to remove yourself from the narcissistic abuse cycle. This isn’t easy, but it is the best approach so that you aren’t the person the narcissist uses in their game of control and manipulation. No contact with the narcissist is the best approach to take.
However, sometimes no contact isn’t an option for people due to the narcissist being a family member, co-worker you must continue to work with, or your child’s parent. When you can’t go no contact, the grey rock technique is a great option. The grey rock method is a way to deflect attention from you during interactions with the narcissist. The narcissist is a master at control and manipulation, and they know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. The more reactive you are, the more in control they feel. They like to know what makes you happy, and what makes you upset, because they will use this information to their advantage in the future. When you use the grey rock technique you place the control back into your hands, by not giving the narcissist what they need most, which is supply. The narcissist thrives off others to refill their narcissistic supply and when they can’t get that needed boost in their ego, then you are back in control.
You use the grey rock method by not showing emotional responses and making yourself as boring as possible. You can do this through non-verbal communication such as head nods, shrugging, and limited eye contact. If you do choose to respond with words, choose responses that are brief and do not provide more information than is needed. If possible, leave the interaction as quickly as possible. To get more information on what the grey rock method is, check out “What is the Gray Rock Technique” for more information.
The narcissist will make your life difficult because that is part of the personality disorder. To help you continue to feel in control of a life the narcissist is making increasingly difficult, remain focused on you and what is best for you. Don’t let the narcissist convince you that you are the problem. While it feels personal, it isn’t about you and will always be about the narcissist.