If you have spent time with a narcissist, they have likely accused you of many things that you have pointed out as problematic in them. They like to blame shift as they don’t take responsibility for their actions, and everything becomes about you. They may even go as far as calling you a narcissist and this is especially true if you have already called them a narcissist. Can a narcissist make you a narcissist?
Let’s start with the question on whether a narcissist can make you a narcissist and the answer to that is no. You don’t become a narcissist because you have been around one. A narcissist, when considered in the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a personality disorder. According to the DSM-5, for a diagnosis of a personality disorder, there must have been evidence of the disorder in at least late adolescence or early adulthood. Personality Disorders are long-standing and don’t just develop in adulthood. They are a pervasive pattern of thoughts and behaviors that are inflexible and unhealthy. These patterns of thoughts and behaviors impact the person’s functioning in almost all areas of their life. They are not readily adapted to change because they are a part of who the person is.
There is no definitive decision on what causes a personality disorder, but there has been evidence to suggest genetics and environment play a role. Someone must have the genetics to predispose them to development of a personality disorder, AND they must be raised in an environment that leads to the expression of these genes into a personality disorder.
So even just considering the genetics piece of the personality disorder puzzle; if you don’t have the genetics to predispose you to the development of narcissism, then you won’t become a narcissist. And add in the part about the need for the personality disorder to have shown its presence before late adolescence or early adulthood and you also remove yourself from the possibility of becoming a narcissist. Most people who are in narcissistic relationships long enough that they think they are becoming a narcissist are already in their early adulthood and by then it is likely too late to develop a personality disorder.
And at the core of narcissism is that low self-esteem and lack of object constancy. They believe they are superior to others as a way to protect against their fragile ego. However, at their core they don’t truly believe this. It is a defense mechanism to protect against narcissistic injury. So, when you call the narcissist out on their actions and attempt to hold them accountable, they reach into their narcissistic punishment tool box and try to hurl insults at you as a way to deflect the attention from them and onto you. The narcissist also projects, and one way they do this is by calling you the narcissist. Projection is when someone can’t handle the uncomfortable emotions and thoughts so they project them onto someone else.
So no, you can’t become a narcissist by spending time with a narcissist. That being said, it is possible you can start to act like a narcissist with some of their same behaviors, but this doesn’t mean you ARE a narcissist. When we are around people long enough, we pick up on their habits and behaviors, good or bad. We start to say things like them and act in a way they do. When we feel on the defensive we say and do things we might not otherwise say or do. The narcissist knows how to push buttons and place people on the defensive and when we are backed into a corner, we feel the need to defend ourselves and sometimes we say or do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. This, however, is different from what you see with a narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and manipulates situations. You acting out of anger in response to someone pushing your buttons is not you being a narcissist. After this interaction you will likely feel bad for your words and actions, or regret that it even got to that point. None of these things are what a narcissist will do. They won’t consider you or how things affect others. They turn inward and play the victim role. The lack of object constancy and lack of empathy that defines a narcissist are things they are born with and not something you will develop as you spend time with a narcissist.