If someone has ever told you “You’re too sensitive”, you need to hear this because it’s not just a comment, it’s a tactic.  What are they really saying when they accuse you of being too sensitive?

If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist then you have likely been told too many times to count that you are “too sensitive”.  If you consider when you were called too sensitive, you will see it is a carefully placed tactic they used to shift the blame and accountability from them and onto you.  Knowing how narcissists shift blame and make you the villain will help you protect yourself from narcissist manipulation. When the narcissist calls you too sensitive, they are really saying “I don’t want to be held accountable for how I made you feel.” Let’s talk more about how narcissists avoid accountability by gaslighting you.

If the narcissist can make you the problem, then they can effectively escape any responsibility for their actions.  This is a common deflection used by narcissists and other emotionally manipulative individuals. 

Let’s consider a specific example.  The narcissist has told you that you are stupid and can never do anything right.  You appropriately become upset with this statement from the narcissist and tell them their words are unacceptable or maybe even call them mean.  The narcissist then tells you that you are too sensitive and they were just joking or some other dismissive statement.   They have made you the problem and never acknowledge the actual issue which was their disrespect and abusive words directed at you. 

When the narcissist deflects the blame onto you, they are using a form of gaslighting through blame shifting.  The narcissist’s defense mechanisms to avoid accountability is the gaslighting. They want you to question your reality, and not theirs.  Are you too sensitive? Did you make more out of what they said than you should have?  You turn your focus inward and question your own actions while allowing the narcissist to escape responsibility.  This is exactly what their goal was. They know you are an empathic and caring person who wants to make things better and they can rely on you to make changes while they continue their abusive tactics.  

By using gaslighting, they undermine your emotional reactions, so they don’t have to change.  You also then are reluctant to set boundaries in the future because your boundary setting became an attack on you.

Instead of considering whether you are too sensitive or the problem, you can say one of these three quick responses.  Write them down and keep them handy so you can quickly turn to them when needed.   It is also best to memorize them so you can quickly spout off the response even in a tense battle of emotions.

First, you can say “Actually, I’m reacting normally to something that hurt me.”

Another option is “It’s okay to feel things.  What matters is why I feel this way.”

And a final option could be “That comment is invalidating. Can we talk about what actually happened?”

As you hear those possible responses you might be saying to yourself “The narcissist doesn’t care what I have to say and won’t change.”  And you are likely correct.  The narcissist doesn’t care about you, which is why they are invalidating you to begin with.  And you asking for change will only push them further away from change.  But that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to stand up for yourself and stop rescuing the narcissist from their own created problems. 

When you allow the narcissist to escape responsibility for their words and actions, then they can continue to convince themselves that you are the problem.  Stop rescuing the narcissist from their own insecurities. Saying one of the 3 phrases I have discussed isn’t with the expectation the narcissist has all of a sudden become caring and insightful.  The phrases are meant to keep the finger from being pointed at you and to make it harder for them to escape responsibility.

Your sensitivity isn’t the problem.  Their lack of empathy is.  Don’t let someone use your emotions against you.  When you invalidate your own emotions, it makes it easier for the narcissist to further invalidate your emotions through the gaslighting.  Maybe you were too sensitive, but being sensitive means you have empathy and the ability to feel emotions, which is something the narcissist will never have.  Learning how to not care when the narcissist is upset with you is a difficult lesson, but an important one.