Whether it was your choice or the narcissist’s, you have found that the relationship with the narcissist is over, and you are no longer in the toxic relationship that had emotional abuse with lying, manipulation, and maybe even cheating. The break-up was hard, and you think about the good times but are also grateful to be out of the grasp of the narcissist. You are starting to feel better and moving forward in your life. And then…….you check social media. You see that your ex-narcissist is now in a seemingly happy relationship with their new supply, I mean partner. While you know the narcissist was abusive and only cared about themself, as you look at the pictures posted on social media, you begin to wonder if the narcissist has changed and is finally treating someone better than they treated you. This can be devastating because you hoped the narcissist would treat you nicely and now, they seem to be doing that with someone else. What is going on?
First, back up, and stop lying to yourself. The narcissist didn’t change in your relationship so why do you think they are changing now? If you look through your social media posts with your ex-narcissist then you can find many pictures of you two being happy. The outside observer may have thought you two had a picture-perfect relationship. You did things together, took pictures together, and looked happy. The narcissist wanted to present this image of you two being perfect for each other and this is what your ex-narcissist is now doing with their new partner.
The narcissist is in the love-bombing and idealization phase with their new partner. Their partner is refilling their narcissistic supply that became depleted before the discard with you. The narcissist is desperate and will do anything to ensure their supply is refilled because that is their means of survival. They ensure their supply is refilled by treating this new person as if they are special, because that is what draws them in.
However, the supply refill can’t last forever. There is a limit on how much supply can go in. Think of it as putting gas in the car. You can only fill the tank so much at one time. The narcissist will remain in the love bombing stage with their new partner as long as they need to. When the love bombing ends is up to the narcissist and no one else.
When you see the narcissist with the new supply, it is easy to think of how you wanted THAT version of the narcissist all along and might be envious you didn’t have it. But you did. The narcissist once love bombed and idealized you the same way they are love bombing and idealizing the new supply. You were no different.
When you look back at the relationship it is easy to think you are mourning the loss of the narcissist as your partner. In reality, you are mourning the illusion of who you thought the narcissist was. We remember good times because that is easier to process. When we focus on bad times it is hard, so we choose to remember what was good. Take off your blinders and be fair with yourself in your memories of the relationship.
There is nothing wrong with you and you are not the reason the narcissist didn’t change. The narcissist didn’t change because they lack empathy and have feelings of superiority and grandiosity that must consistently be maintained. You worked hard on you, the narcissist, and the relationship but still got the same outcome! If you think the narcissist’s new supply will be getting the benefit of all your hard work in the relationship, you are wrong. The narcissist has no incentive to change for the new supply, just as they had no incentive to change with you.
The world revolves around the narcissist – or so they believe. People come into their lives when they need to use them and are discarded when they are done. Focus on how you are out of the toxic relationship with the narcissist and not on how the new supply is somehow magically getting the version of the narcissist you desired but were never able to see consistently. Sooner or later, the new partner will be discarded, and the narcissist will be on the hunt for the next person to control and manipulate. Just don’t let it be you again.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.