Do you ever wonder why the narcissist in your life is always nice to everyone but you? This person may be your partner, parent, or even co-worker. You try to have things work between you two, but things still don’t go well. You seem to do everything wrong and they have no issues in telling you what you do wrong. When things don’t go their way they manipulate, blame, accuse, and even rage towards you.
The problem is, no one else seems to see this side of them. Their boss thinks they are the best employee, your friends wish they could meet a partner just like them, or your friends want a parent that can be as fun and caring as yours. Everyone around you thinks they are such a nice and considerate person. If you do complain about how they treat you, you are made out to be the bad person who doesn’t know how good you have it. So you learn to keep quiet.
How can your view of the narcissist in your life be so off from everyone else? Are you missing something, or is everyone else?
The simple answer is, everyone else is missing the true version of the narcissist, which is the one you see. So how can the narcissist be so different between people? It is important to remember the narcissist is a master manipulator and has spent a lifetime learning how to behave to get their way. If they were rude to everyone all the time, no one would want to spend time with them, or think they were as amazing as they think they are. A narcissist needs others to support their ego due to an unstable sense of self. While they may come off as confident, with high self-esteem, this is the exact opposite of how they feel.
Narcissists are insecure and have low self-esteem. They require others to build them up and confirm that they are, in fact, the superior person they believe they are. However, to present yourself in a way that is inconsistent with who you really are is exhausting. They cannot keep that charade up all the time. So, unfortunately, you get to see the other side of them that only comes out behind closed doors, when they think they can let their guard down.
When the narcissist is around people they need to boost their self-esteem, they practice good impression management. Impression management is how people control how others see them. Self-promotion is a form of impression management, and an area of strength for the narcissist. They are adept at presenting to others a positive view of themselves. Through their manipulation tactics, a narcissist can influence how others view them. This includes them appearing to be caring, intelligent, and friendly so others see them as competent.
Every social encounter for a narcissist is an opportunity for them to determine who will help them in their quest to be viewed as superior and boost their self-esteem. The more people they can bring into this circle, the better for them! It can be frustrating and disappointing when you aren’t in the circle of people the narcissist acts kind and sociable to. However, this isn’t a reflection of you as a person. The issue is with the narcissist and their need to use others as a way to make themselves feel better. You know the true version of the narcissist and you have to trust in your beliefs of who they are and not be concerned with how other people view them. They have two sides and you are not crazy for thinking differently than everyone else about who the narcissist is. I trust you in your interpretation of who they are, so now you need to trust yourself.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.