We’ve all had that friend or partner who just can’t seem to be excited when we are successful or share in our excitement when something positive happens. They are there to pick you up when things don’t go well, but always missing when you have something positive that happened in your life. They seem to be more interested in your failures than your successes; it seems they want you to fail. Why would your failure make someone who appears to care about you happy? In this blog I will discuss some reasons why a friend or partner would want you to fail. If you can be aware of what is happening, and recognize that it is not about you, then you can work through some of the hurt and disappointment when someone close to you doesn’t seem to want to see you succeed.
When someone else is unable to share in your happiness this is often an issue they have within themselves. They might experience low self-esteem and are envious of your success and wish they could also be successful. When you fail, they can finally feel good. They use your failures to feel better about themselves. The feeling of failure might also be familiar to them due to their low self-esteem and they can relate to you in those situations where things didn’t turn out. They think about how they have been in that position before and it is a place of familiarity for them. Your friend might feel more competent and confident in relating to your failed experience versus your successes.
Your friend who seems to like to see you fail might also find themselves in the hero role when they provide support for you during your failures. They can come in and help you feel better, which places the spotlight on them. The focus becomes about them and how they helped you. When you have failed it is easier for your friend to look like a supportive hero in comparison to when you succeed, and others are focused on you.
Another reason your friend or partner might appear to enjoy your failures is because change is hard. When you have a success, this likely means a change could be coming. You have a new job, a new relationship, a new house, or even became healthier by no longer eating out or drinking as much alcohol. If this friend or partner is someone you used to spend a lot of time with, these changes could be difficult for them to process and accept. They might fear things will be different with your relationship and you will spend less time together. How often you saw each other and what defined your friendship is now different. This may be hard for them to accept; if you succeed, they aren’t happy, and they can’t show happiness in those situations. Your failure means things are more likely to remain the same between you and them.
These examples of why a friend or partner would want you to fail point to the issue being with them and not you. They aren’t unhappy with your success or wish you had failed; they are simply working through issues within themselves they are trying to process.
This isn’t meant to invalidate any feelings of disappointment you feel when the other person seems happy you failed. It is ok, and expected, to be disappointed when your friend or partner seems to revel in your failures and ignore your successes. Despite your well-placed disappointment, don’t let someone else’s insecurities negatively affect your mood. It would be nice if they were happy for you, but you are responsible for your own emotional reactions. If you have earned a success, the only person that can take away that excitement is you. Go out there, enjoy your success, and hopefully your friend or partner will join in once they process through their own emotions.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.