In today’s blog, I will discuss why narcissists refuse to apologize. This blog is written in conjunction with the next one in the series entitled “Why DO Narcissists Apologize? The Narcissist Fauxpology”. In this blog I will discuss why narcissists refuse to apologize even when everything points to the wrong they committed. Then, check out my next blog where I discuss the fauxpology from the narcissist, more commonly known as an apology that lacks any substance.
Whether you are a narcissist or not, taking responsibility for wrongdoing is hard! You may have made a mistake, didn’t have the appropriate training, or were disgruntled and behaved in a way to show how upset you were. Whether the wrongdoing was an accident, or on purpose, it takes a certain level of vulnerability to be able to acknowledge what you did and to then admit fault.
If you notice, that is two steps that are required before you can even consider apologizing. First, you must be able to be vulnerable within yourself and see yourself as someone who can commit a wrong. Second, you must be able to not only see the wrong, but also admit that you played a role in it. Only then can you apologize. Verbalizing to others you did wrong and have accepted some responsibility for it requires you to look inward and be vulnerable, while also understanding that your actions affected someone else.
People apologize for different reasons, to include to feel better about their wrongs and to lessen any negative emotions or responses from the other person. Helpful guilt is a psychological discomfort about something we’ve done wrong based on our own assessment. This helpful guilt pushes us in the direction of apologizing.
When a wrong is committed, blame must be placed somewhere, including on a person or people. To blame means to assign fault. This blame can be inward focused and admitting we are at fault, or outward focused, and placing the blame on someone else. Who is actually responsible for the wrongdoing is independent of where the blame is actually placed.
If you have had a narcissist in your life, then you likely have seen they never place the blame on themselves. It is always someone else that committed the wrong or led the narcissist to commit the wrong. They are free from responsibility of the act because they never take responsibility. Narcissists are unable to tolerate the possibility that they could be to blame for a wrongdoing, so they don’t even consider that as an option.
When a narcissist experiences blame, it leads to feelings of shame and this is not an emotion they have the tools to deal with and manage. The narcissist’s inner voice is already so harsh that they avoid all thoughts that would add to their negative self-views of themselves. This is why they shift the blame onto someone else. To assign fault to themselves, they will confirm their inner voice that tells them they are a horrible person. If they admit they made a mistake, they begin to worry this will be used against them as a way to humiliate them.
To ensure that others don’t think negatively of them, or have information that can be used against them, they effectively blame-shift off of themselves and onto others. Issues become others' faults and things to deal with. The narcissist has moved into a defensive mood, a form of self-preservation, because they are incapable of dealing with shame and other negative emotions accepting fault. If a narcissist feels shame, they experience narcissistic injury and then narcissist rage. To prevent this from happening, they keep the finger pointed at everyone else.
This is why narcissists refuse to apologize, and you are unlikely to ever get a meaningful apology from a narcissist. To apologize means you express regret for something done. But regret is a negative emotion that requires us to blame ourselves for a negative outcome. Narcissists cannot accept blame, even if they are at fault. All of the evidence may point to them as the source of the wrongdoing, but they will point the fingers back at everyone else, blaming others, and projecting their negative thoughts and emotions onto people around them. Narcissists are constantly in self-protection mode.
Another reason narcissists refuse to apologize is because to apologize requires empathy. Empathy is the capacity to place yourself into someone else’s position and to understand what someone else is feeling. To empathize requires you to look into yourself and experience the emotions of someone else. The narcissist cannot do this. They actively avoid looking inward and project onto others. This contributes to the narcissist’s inability to demonstrate empathy.
When someone lacks empathy, it is easy to place blame on others and let them deal with the negative emotions that come up because they don’t have the capacity to feel what someone else is feeling. The lack of empathy, combined with the strong feelings of shame a narcissist actively tries to avoid experiencing, means you will never get an apology from a narcissist that has them accepting any role in their wrongdoing.
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