We all want to feel heard when we express our wants, needs, and desires. Being heard allows us to feel connected to the other person and as if we matter in their life. When two people can communicate openly and freely, it leads to better outcomes in the relationship and issues can be resolved quicker. Even when there is effective communication, problems still arise, but they can be discussed in a way that doesn’t lead to further conflict.
When you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality traits, it might seem like problems are never solved and you are talking in circles. There may be a disagreement and you want to discuss what happened and how to prevent it in the future. Or you may have felt like you were not considered in a decision and would like to express how it made you feel. When you bring it up to your narcissistic partner, they shut you down, or talk in circles where you don’t even remember what the issue even was. You leave the conversation confused and beat down.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, problems will often feel unresolved. This is because they are, in fact, left unresolved. The narcissist wants to leave you feeling confused and the control in their hands and they do this by never really finishing conversations and disagreements. They are masters at shutting down communication. When you feel like things are unresolved, your reality is distorted and you don’t know what to believe. This then allows you to rely on them for information.
In this blog I will go over three behaviors from the narcissist that lead to problems feeling unresolved.
They shut you down through use of rage or the silent treatment: Narcissists are not capable of accepting what they view as criticism. It is important to note the criticism may not actually exist, but they have viewed your words or actions as a criticism to them. When they feel criticized, they will shut down all communication. This is done, in part, as a sort of self-preservation. Due to their inflated sense of self-worth and feelings of superiority, when they are presented with information that is counter to this belief, they feel insecure and uncomfortable internally. To resolve these negative feelings, they shut down all communication to prevent further possible criticism. This shut down can be through the silent treatment where they won’t talk to you, or rage attacks where you are belittled and called names. The goal is the same, which is to shut down any further communication.
They use gaslighting as a way to keep you confused: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the goal of the person engaging in the gaslighting (abuser) is to have the recipient or recipients (victims) doubt their truths. This is a control tactic that is used by narcissists to keep their partner guessing on what is real and what is not real. When their partner is confused, then they can better manipulate their reality. When being gaslit, you are told something didn’t happen or that you shouldn’t feel a certain way. This can lead to circular communication because you know something happened one way, but the narcissist tries to convince you otherwise. You lose track of what the conversation was even about and decide to stop the discussion, leaving feeling defeated and unheard.
Blame is projected onto you and away from them: Narcissists have unstable senses of self. While they may appear to have high self-esteem, this is an illusion. An act they put on to protect their unstable sense of who they are. Internally, narcissists are flawed and do not have the ability to boost their own self-worth and rely on others to provide the supply to make them feel better about themselves. The narcissist tends to deny their own flaws and blame others for their mistakes. This is called projection. If during a discussion they feel as if you are commenting on flaws they think of being present in themselves, they will quickly point the finger back at you. The issue becomes about you and you are the reason things are happening. They can take no blame. So while you may come to them with a valid concern for something that happened, they will be unable to discuss this concern because of how it will make them feel. The quickest way out of this situation is to blame you so that you will then have to defend yourself and the attention is now off them.
Narcissists are masters at the game of manipulation and control. This is a skill they have perfected throughout their life to manage the deep feelings of being flawed they experience in themselves. When there are issues in the relationship, no matter how big or small, they will be unable to effectively communicate with you to resolve the issue. While you are an individual that can consider others’ feelings and make changes based on the needs or yourself and others, the narcissist is incapable of these same behaviors. It can be maddening to be in a relationship with a narcissist because you always feel like you are the problem, and nothing ever gets resolved. Remember, you are likely not the issue and in the absence of the narcissist being better able to connect with others through empathy, and willingness to accept their own faults, you will continue to feel like you are going in circles during discussions with the narcissist.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.