If there is one thing consistent with a narcissist, it is their anger. The anger can be explosive or even passive, but the narcissist has no problems quickly reverting to anger in almost any situation. The anger is often from a perceived slight that they felt was enacted against them, but they strongly believe the other person was in the wrong. The narcissist will deflect onto those around them and the way they do this is with anger. Why are narcissists so angry?
The narcissist is always on the defensive to protect against shame. Shame is a feeling that you, as a person, are flawed in some way. This is different from guilt. Guilt is a feeling that you did something wrong, or could have done something wrong. The guilt is directed at a specific situation or event while the shame is a reflection of you as a person. As you can imagine, shame can be a very painful emotion because it leads to you thinking you are inadequate in some way and not worthy. Anybody can experience shame, and this is not specific to narcissists.
However, for a narcissist, experienced shame is in direct competition with their narcissistic traits of superiority, grandiosity, and sense of entitlement. They must firmly believe those traits are true and any information suggesting otherwise is information they cannot process. This is because at the root of the narcissist, they aren’t the actual person they want the world to believe they are. They are insecure and have low self-esteem.
If the narcissist experiences shame, this is an attack on the core of who they are. They have conflicting information between their beliefs that they are superior and the deep-rooted feeling that they are flawed and inadequate. The narcissist has no effective way to deal with the activation of shame, so they move into narcissistic rage as a result of narcissistic injury.
The narcissistic rage can present as angry outbursts, or even the silent treatment which is passive aggressive. Either way, narcissistic rage is intended to push people away so the narcissist can resolve the negative emotions and thoughts they are feeling in the moment. This is all automatic and outside of the narcissist’s awareness. If you were to ask a narcissist why they got angry, they will blame shift and make it about someone else because to take responsibility would continue to be an attack on their self-worth.
Narcissistic rage is one of the few coping mechanisms a narcissist has available to deal with shame and narcissistic injury and this is why they often appear angry. They lack the communication skills to work through issues that arise and are always on the defensive. They find it most effective to push people away and to make the problem about others, verses dealing with it themselves.
The narcissist lives a lie, and this is why they must always be on the defensive. Some part of them knows that they run the risk of being found out for not actually being superior and entitled. They look for any information that comes their way which could suggest they might be exposed. Any perceived slight becomes an issue insurmountable for the narcissist because it runs the risk of exposing their true selves. They have learned that narcissistic rage is their best defense to keep people at a distance and separate them from a situation they feel overwhelmed in.
While the narcissist may always seem to be angry with you, they are actually angry with the world. The anger is directed at you because they can’t turn the anger inwards because that would confirm their fears that they are flawed. Anger at you is a deflection to avoid anger at themselves and their actions.
