Today I want to discuss paranoia and the narcissist. When I refer to paranoia, I will discuss paranoia in the context of high anxiety and not the more pathological psychotic process. You can read my blog “Why do I feel paranoid?” for more information on the distinction between these two concepts.
As a summary, however, one way to differentiate between paranoia seen with anxiety and paranoia of a psychotic disorder, is to determine whether the person can consider the possibility the thoughts are not true. Let’s take the example of someone who thinks they are being followed. If the person has paranoid ideas that are a component of anxiety, then they will be able to consider evidence that it is not possible. You can show them no one else has been in that area for weeks so it wouldn’t be possible for them to be followed or show them a video that shows no one is following them and they will believe this. They can consider the evidence and change their mind on whether something has happened. When someone has paranoia that is a delusion and part of psychosis, they will be unable to consider it as untrue despite ample evidence suggesting the contrary.
To understand why narcissists are paranoid, you must remember the narcissist is always on the defensive. They have fragile senses of self that they must always protect against. They present as confident and competent, but this is an act they put on to prevent exposure for who they really are. The narcissist sees danger in everything and everyone because each new experience or person they encounter has the potential to find out who they really are.
For this reason, the narcissist must be paranoid. Everything and everybody has the potential to do them harm. It doesn’t matter who the person is and whether they have done harm to the narcissist in the past. None of that matters. The only thing that matters is the narcissist’s belief that their true selves could be found out.
The narcissist’s fragile sense of self makes any negative encounter seem to be a perceived slight against them. They believe everyone is out to get them and this maintains and worsens their paranoia. The narcissist is suspicious of everyone. They never know what someone’s true intention is, and this place of uncertainty and ambiguity is not a place a narcissist likes to be. This is also where a need for control comes from. The narcissist must protect themselves at all costs and will control whatever they can to maintain a feeling of control in their own lives.
If someone else tries to take control in the relationship, this makes the narcissist feel more paranoid because they think they are losing control. And when I refer to the other person taking control, this can be anything, including their partner making choices on what they have for dinner. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. If the narcissist feels like they are not making all decisions, they feel out of control, and this triggers their paranoia.
When the narcissist is paranoid, they can become unpredictable because they are only focused on themselves and no one else. The only person that matters is them and they have blinders on to anything else happening around them. This unpredictability is when the narcissist might move into narcissistic rage, or another narcissist punishment tactic, to regain control in their lives. The paranoid narcissist is dangerous because they will not hold back in their brutal words and actions. They move into the defensive and their focus is on protecting themselves, no matter how it affects anyone else. If you try to figure out the narcissist’s next move, this is largely why you will be unsuccessful – the narcissist is reactive and much of their actions don’t make sense to them, much less anyone else.