Many narcissists want to present themselves as competent, all knowing, and superior to those around them.  However, this is a façade the narcissist puts on to protect their deep-rooted feelings of insecurity and shame.  In reality, the narcissist is always on the verge of unraveling and being found out for the fraud they are, and they must protect themselves from this happening at all costs.  The narcissist is incapable of soothing themselves, and if they are at risk of experiencing negative emotions, they will unravel due to experiencing narcissistic injury.  The narcissist is constantly on the defensive to ensure this unraveling doesn’t happen.  However, when a narcissist does collapse, why did that happen and what does it look like?

Narcissists live in a world in which they are always protecting themselves against exposure as someone who isn’t the high functioning, superior person they want you to believe they are.   They have carefully crafted a reality they feel safe in by surrounding themselves with people who can readily refill their supply.  The narcissist’s crafted reality must run exactly as they have designed, or they are at risk of falling apart.  This is because the narcissist lacks object constancy and truly lives in the moment.  They can’t use information from the past and present to influence how they feel right now. If someone wrongs them, or feelings of shame are activated, the narcissist is exposed to narcissistic injury and acts out to try to return to their normal.  

The narcissist lacks the ability to stabilize their internal thoughts and feelings on their own and this is why they rely so heavily on the supplies in their life.  The narcissist must always have ready sources of supply to protect against narcissistic injury. If the narcissist feels as if they are at risk of being exposed, they will rely more on their supply to inflate their narcissistic ego to a point which serves as a safe buffer for them against the world they believe is out to get them.

As expected, the narcissist’s goal is to prevent collapse because they are aware this leads to feelings of shame.  They may not have insight into what is happening, but they do remember how they felt the last time they experienced narcissistic injury, and they want to avoid this feeling again at all costs. 

As a narcissist is on the verge of collapse, you will notice they are doing more and more things which inflate their supply. Let’s go over a few of those things so you know what to be on the lookout for. 

During the period in which their supply is draining and they are at risk of collapse, the narcissist will increase their narcissistic manipulation and punishment tactics.  They will gaslight, name call, belittle, rage, give you the silent treatment, and may even discard you.  All of these are done in a frantic effort to regain some control over their lives. 

But despite their best efforts, it may not be enough, and they experience narcissist collapse. They can no longer convince the world around them that they are confident, superior, and all-knowing.

And once they have collapsed, this is when they are at their cruelest.  They are in attack mode and trying to stabilize themselves to a place where they can again feel in control. As the narcissist collapses, they feel out of control.  For the narcissist, who must always feel in control, this is a place they cannot function in.  And with a prolonged collapse from which they cannot readily recover, the narcissist will become depressed and anxious.  This is when they may engage in more high risk and impulsive behaviors, or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking.    The narcissist has spun out of control and can’t seem to recover so they try anything and everything they can to feel better about themselves. 

I won’t go over how a narcissist recovers from a collapse in detail today, but I will briefly mention a narcissistic collapse is very difficult for a narcissist to recover from.  Recovery requires insight, responsibility taking, and the ability to see themselves as the problem. These are all difficult for the narcissist to do in their healthiest mindset, and even more difficult when they have collapsed. As someone who cares about others, you may want to come in and rescue the narcissist from their pain, but be aware of your actions during this time.  By rescuing the narcissist, you are stepping in as a supply source for the narcissist and keeping them from having to do the hard work themselves.  If they do recover from the collapse after your assistance, consider whether they will appreciate your help, or whether it will somehow be used against you once their narcissistic supply is again refilled.  A narcissist's collapse will be hard to watch, and even harder to be around, but this is your chance to no longer be controlled and manipulated by the narcissist and find ways to regain your own self-esteem back.