Whenever a narcissist says ‘You can trust me,’ that’s your sign not to. Deep down, you knew something was off when they said ‘trust me.’ Let me show you why this line almost always shows up right before a narcissist lies, cheats, or blindsides you.

Why does the phrase “you can trust me” matter?  It is important for you to know the narcissist uses this phrase because they know trust is slipping.  They sense you’re pulling away, asking questions, or starting to notice inconsistencies.   They want to distract you from what you are doing and noticing so they can stop you from looking any deeper.  When a non-narcissist says “you can trust me”, it can be supportive and validating, but those same words from a narcissist aren't about calming you – it’s another way in which they control the narrative.

Yes, I talk a lot about how narcissists control the narrative, but it is an important concept to know in order to understand the narcissist and their motives.  They must always be in control of anything and everything because they often feel out of control due to their unstable sense of self and fragile ego. 

When the narcissist tells you that you can trust them, what does that really mean? Let’s go over 3 psychological reasons narcissists rely on this phrase right before betrayal.

First, they use their statement about trust to weaponize re-assurance.  Narcissists know that you want to believe them.   Saying “you can trust me” exploits your loyalty and empathy.  It places the power back into their hands because now it is about your loyalty and empathy and no longer about you pulling away or noticing inconsistencies.   The narcissist is a master at making things about everyone other than themselves when it becomes them possibly being viewed in a negative light. 

Second, the statement about how you can trust them becomes a set-up for guilt.  If they assure you that you can trust them, and then you don’t, this is another way where they can flip the script and make it about you.  You may appropriately not trust their words and actions and let them know this.  But your concerns are invalidated and you are made out to be the problem when they tell you “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”   They weaponize YOUR doubt to make YOU feel guilty. 

And lastly, the narcissist tries to convince you that you can trust them as they are trying to cover their tracks.  Everything with the narcissist is a smoke-and-mirror illusion where they want you to look somewhere other than where the problem with them lies.  They will try to convince you they are trustworthy right before they lie, cheat, hide something, or shift blame. It is how they protect their fragile ego and scramble to ensure they don’t experience a narcissistic collapse. 

Now we know why narcissists tell you to trust them, but what is the REAL reason they make this statement?  How can we decode that statement, so it matches reality and not the narrative the narcissist is trying to fabricate? 

When the narcissist says “You can trust me” what they are actually saying is “I know I’m about to betray you, but I need you to be calm, quiet, and unsuspecting.”  Remember that narcissists don’t reassure you out of concern for you.  They reassure to disarm you. 

Knowing how to spot the red flags early will help prevent you from falling victim to this manipulation strategy.  Here are 3 red flags which might come before the phrase:

The first red flag is their story suddenly changes and the details don’t add up.  Yes, this is likely how the narcissist normally is, but if they became more unpredictable in their actions, this can be a red flag. 

A second red flag is they become overly affectionate or overly defensive.  Both are distraction techniques so you overlook the actual issue. 

The third red flag is they accuse YOU of something out of nowhere.  This is a classic example of projection before betrayal.

These red flags should make you realize they are already preparing the cover-up.  Nothing the narcissist does is accidental.  Everything is carefully crafted to protect their fragile ego and protect against narcissistic collapse. 

The last thing I will discuss today is what you can do instead of falling victim to yet another manipulation strategy from the narcissist. Here are some quick tips:

Take note of their inconsistencies. Trust actions over words.  Look for patterns and not promises.  And pull back emotionally when they rush reassurance.  Remember, the narcissist wants you to be emotional because when we are in an emotional state, we move away from logical thinking.  The more you can stand up to the narrative the narcissist is trying to create for you, the more likely they are to try the tactic on someone else. 

If someone must TELL you they’re trustworthy, they’re usually not.  Don’t fall victim to the narcissist’s blame-shifting and projection, allowing them to escape responsibility.