If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you have likely experienced abuse at some point in the relationship.  This is not to say that all people with narcissistic personality traits abuse, however, abuse is commonly seen.  A common form of abuse perpetrated by narcissists is emotional abuse.  Emotional abuse is abuse that consists of criticizing, belittling, and manipulation as a way for someone to gain control over another. Emotional abuse is tricky to notice, however, because it can be subtle and slowly develop over time.  If your partner hit you, it would be obvious this action had occurred.  However, subtle put downs are easy to excuse away as a misunderstanding on what they meant, saying they had a bad day, or it really isn’t a big deal. 

This slow development of emotional abuse is what makes it so hard to recognize.  While you might excuse a behavior today, this allows for additional put downs and criticisms to be perpetrated against you over time.  Because it develops slowly, you don’t easily recognize what is happening.  

 Emotional abuse in narcissistic relationships is often marked by control and manipulation.  Through their words chosen, and their ability to alternate between being loving and then demeaning, you never know what you are going to get.  However, because there is some good, you always have hope the good will come out of the bad. 

With the tactics used by the narcissist, such as love bombing, idealization, devaluation, and gaslighting, you are often left confused and questioning your own reality.  You start to doubt and question the simple things in life and can no longer trust yourself.  This is a large part of what has been termed narcissistic abuse syndrome. 

Narcissistic abuse syndrome is not a clinical term that can be found in the DSM, which classifies mental disorders.  However, it is a term that has been used to describe the abuse experienced from a narcissist.  When you have been the victim of sustained abuse in which your reality is always questioned and you develop uncertainty in all areas of your life, you struggle in making simple decisions.  Your source of reality becomes the very person who is abusing you, further distorting how you view things. 

The longer you remain in the relationship with the narcissist and experience the emotional abuse, the worse your mental health and self-confidence become.  It is also important to remember that the narcissist functions by devaluing others to feel better about themselves.  Their self-esteem is improved the more they can decrease your self-esteem and have you rely on them more.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you start to become overfocused on your failures, flaws, and other short-comings.  The narcissist is always pointing them out to you so you start to think they really define you.  Part of you believes that you are the person the narcissist describes you as, but another part of you knows you aren’t.  That is what makes it so confusing and where your reality is blurred.  You are no longer sure who or what to believe.  Are you the person the narcissist says you are, or aren’t you?

If you are experiencing emotional abuse from a narcissist, you might find you are having intrusive thoughts that you can’t get out of your head, you are easily startled or triggered by situations, you feel isolated, and you find that you are always alert as if you are walking on eggshells.  You no longer move freely through the world.  Everything you do becomes something you think about and how it might be perceived by others or whether it is the right thing to do.  Your ability to make independent decisions has been affected. 

Because you are no longer sure what is real and what is imagined, you might find you are isolating.  When you are confronted with information counter to what you believe, it is easier to step away and not interact with your world to limit the incoming information that leaves you confused.  The problem is that now you are more reliant on the narcissist and their abusive tactics.  The more you isolate and remove people who don’t gaslight and manipulate you, the more your only reality becomes the one created by the narcissist.   On one hand you feel safer in your house, away from others, but on the other hand you are now more reliant on the person who is abusing.   

If you feel you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, it is important to reconnect with friends and family so that your reality can be better protected.  While getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship is hard, it does get easier the further you get away from the abuse. 

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.