Hope you’re doing okay! Has your narcissist ever sent you this out of the blue? Should you reply? Let’s break it down on why the narcissist is texting you and how to not take the bait of their breadcrumbs meant to boost their narcissistic supply tank which is running out.

As long as the narcissist has been in your life, you have wanted them to be a caring, compassionate person who shows concern and interest for your life.  I mean, that’s why you stick around through all of their gaslighting and abuse right? Hope they will one day become someone who can show they care about you.  So, when you get a text from the narcissist asking you how you’re doing, it is so easy to let your defenses down and respond to their question.

Not so fast! The narcissist hasn’t developed concern for you when just yesterday they were lying and gaslighting.  The text isn’t their attempt to test out empathy, it’s a breadcrumb.

Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough information to keep you interested and wanting more information. They leave you little tidbits of information that keep you hopeful for more.  For a visual, think about ants who follow a trail of crumbs, hoping to get to the larger food item at the end of the trail.  They are following the breadcrumbs hoping for more at the end of the trail. When a person breadcrumbs, they are stringing you along to keep you interested so that you come back for more.   This could be through more information or even more attention.  The goal of the breadcrumber is to keep you hooked and not turning away to someone or something else.  

The text from the narcissist asking how you are is a breadcrumb because it is a vague check-in meant to keep you in their grasp. 

They what to test if they still have access to you. If you respond to the text, then they know that you are still willing to communicate with them. They may even go silent again once you respond because it was never about genuine concern for how you are. It was about whether you can serve as a source of supply when they need you. 

The breadcrumb text also keeps you emotionally hooked without real effort. They are masters at finding your vulnerabilities.  They may seem like they don’t watch or listen to you, but they know exactly what makes you happy and what you need.  They choose not to give it to you, but they do know what you want.  If they can keep you emotionally hooked, then you are easier to reel back into the cycle of control.  

You know the narcissist is mean and always wants to put you down, so why does the breadcrumb text hook you?  Because you are a caring and compassionate person who considers others.  You have empathy, which the narcissist lacks. 

You may experience a mix of emotions when you see the text and these emotions cause you to respond.  You may feel guilty if you don’t reply, you have hope they’ve changed, and there may even be a little curiosity about their motive.  These are exactly the emotions they are trying to trigger.

As much as you want to respond, DON’T!  Responding gives them the validation they want.  Even a neutral “thanks” reopens the door.  If you must respond, such as in co-parenting or logistics issues, use the grey rock method and keep it brief, factual, and emotionless. 

That text isn’t showing that they care.  It’s bait.  You don’t owe them a reply.  Protect your peace and ignore the message when you can.